where i wish i was, versus where i need to be

today i was torn,

that was dramatic, but that's what i'm good at.

emoting, feeling, expressing.

first off, i was definitely unwell this morning - and i postponed an interview i'd had scheduled so that i could go to my doctor where i got bloodwork and updated my PCP // which felt very *responsible* of me, and also self-care-y which is nice.

second, i got to see my dear friend today which was grounding and comforting and also i was reminded of what a small world it is - finding out that they had gone to school with someone i'd just recently met and worked with (a whirlwind of a week)

thirdly, even though this morning i'd had the idea, the desire, the craving to show up for someone i care for - (brought the items i've been holding onto for months) -

i've also finally been consulting the community that loves me, the friends who care for me; and they've reminded me that a boundary is a boundary and that it's important to give a situation, a person, a place - room to breathe. time to let the dust settle.

this is hard.

i know there's a ticking clock, but there's always a ticking clock, that's the catch.

i know that i'm not ready, not situated, not settled in my current state, place. that i need to accept the reality that was clarified for me, that i need to adjust and acclimate - regulate myself, and be content with the respectful rejection i have repeatedly received.

i'm also currently in a cocooning period in which i'm trying to figure out my finances, see what makes my space feel like home to me (and no one else), and keep up with the people and projects that mean the most to me. the balance of time and energy - passion. chart a course that feels feasible.

while i want-crave the connection that exists when we're in a space together; i need to figure out how to tame my intrusive thoughts and desires - my wandering willful mind - slowly softening and finding a proper pace.

learn how to respect and properly understand the needs and wants of another.

as you wish.