checking in - leveling up

i haven't posted since may 5th, because may 6th i got arrested.

it was the first time i'd ever been put in handcuffs.

far too tight.

it was the first time i'd ever been in a holding cell,

a feeling i will never forget.

i haven't posted since may 5th,

because i have been trying to keep it together.

because i have been trying to figure it out.

because i have been trying. Trying. TRYING.

the subtle descent into fascism,

is not subtle if you are paying attention.

the collapse is happening around us.

apathy,

individualism,

dehumanization of difference.

what is your lane?

what are you fighting for?

do you donate your time or resources to causes bigger than yourself?

i used to look in the mirror and ask myself these questions.

i know some of the answers now.

PRIDE.

"pride"

the month of june is supposed to be a celebration.

this month is supposed to be for joy and happiness.

on the eve of pride, my Family was brutally arrested.

on the eve of pride, a squadron from the largest police department in the world targeted my Family.

on the eve of pride, On The Eve of Pride.

everything feels like it's on loop.

nothing feels "real" because as i get older, as i experience more, i learn that 'reality' is subjective.

how do you welcome someone new into your world, when you know that there are very specific commonalities and worlds of difference?

/// /// /// ///

if you worry you don't cross my mind, there's nothing to fear. i think of you when i see an american robin, and when i see 4:12, and when someone says the word data wrong. when i realize the value of patience, of listening with all of my senses, of being more mindful.

if you wonder if i wish for more proximity, i do - and i will respect what you've directly communicated. do not come near me, you are not welcome. so i will keep it pushing, and cherish the lessons that were left. i wish you well, and if our paths are meant to cross, i will smile radiantly and ask you how you've been and apologize sincerely for how my unhinged overeager desire ruptured what was, and ask what you'd like there to be.

may we meet again.

/// /// /// ///

i have been exploring what intimacy can look and feel like.

i have been allowing myself to get to know people at the pace that feels safe and comfortable for us both.

i have been learning what difficult conversations can feel like if we allow ourselves to sit and move with the discomfort until we realize that it's vulnerability and rejection that we're afraid of, not the person we're conversing with.

i am allowing myself to get to know, and be known by others.

life is short and the meaning of living is to connect and be in connection.

my left front tooth chipped the other day so i finally invested in a means of transportation i've been yearning for. moments of mortality, grounding my gratitude.

o-o-o

i volunteer at a farm and it brings me more joy than i can put to words.

i volunteer with my Family and help provide what we can to the community that bore me.

i enjoy food with my given and chosen sister & brother, making new - fun memories together.

i learn and i grow and i heal and get to know the many me's that can and will exist.

loving myself is a continuous choice. loving life is a continual choice. and i am glad to be making it.

focusing on what i have rather than lamenting what's been lost has been the biggest shift.

to many more adventures to come.

baruch hashem.