what stops me from sticking to the plan?

so since the year began, i'd planned on not posting till the first bardo loop of 2023 passed,

(a bardo loop is a tibetan concept, a transitional state of 49 days).

i've been experimenting with cutting out different vices.

in atomic habits there's the whole cue, craving, response, reward of the habit loop, and i am currently working on breaking the unhealthiest habits, while also trying to combat my adhd, while also trying to stay on top of my jobs, while also trying to settle in to a new place, space, while also trying to figure out which connections are most meaningful because i don't have the time in the day for everything or all of it and it's hard when you feel like your knees are buckling and you didn't consider what it would be like to be an adult but now you are one and it's exhausting and terrifying and there's no guidebook except there is there are so many resources available but which ones resonate the most, which ones actually work

stick

click.

click up - an app that my friend suggested and i saw on a bus

structured, one that the app store recommended for me (that i've been sporadically using that's kind of been working)

or good ole google - which might actually end up being the one that saves me because recurring and consistent and centralized.

centralized,

systems.

decentralized. dysregulated.

thinking of studying the different systems of organization that people tried.

harmony. synchronicity. how do you work in tandem with yourself, how do you center - steady - ground you in you when you feel so fragile, so delicate.

a leaky airplane. a faulty space ship. this vessel for this soul, this spirit.

how do you begin to be gentle when you aren't quite sure to begin?

baby steps.

baby.

it's okay.

i am . ashamed. embarrassed . remorseful and regretful.

i acted out so erratically that it ensued in expulsion.

the best apology is changed behavior. even if it is for those who encounter me next and not those who have been caught in my blast radius. (not caught. that's generous. the recipient of the full force of my frustration, frantic grasps - gasps for guidance that they couldn't shouldn't have been asked to provide.)

acquiescing to the reality clarified, on no uncertain terms.

leave me alone. you have been making me uncomfortable.

dismayed. distraught.

disgusted with myself.

desire disfigured, deformed.

diffused.

dismantled.

entitled.

enmeshed with a fantasy.

fear. self doubt. uncertainty.beating them back boldly.

the end (of this chapter.)

a new beginning for myself. by myself.

bardo loop.

reflections:

what have i learned in the 49 days of 2023?

-there is a difference between intuition and delusional projection

-it is important to stop myself from personalizing the actions of others

-servers are not servers because they want to be, but because they have to be

-these bodies are terrifyingly fragile and require tender, consistent maintenance

-i cannot procrastinate the processing of the last 24 years, nor should i allow myself to get stuck (snagged on the nail that no one took the time to hammer back down)

-love looks like something different for everyone, but it require practice and consistency, care and compassion

what will i do differently for the second bardo loop?

-begin gently with the habits that have felt healing in the first loop

-maintain the routines that work for me and my beautifully boundless (working on it) brain

-continue to make time to sort through what was/what has been - MAKE SPACE TO CREATE!!

-set aside ample time (at least 15 minutes) to reflect everyday on what went well and what can be improved tomorrow

-ground myself in gratitude for all the blessings, especially hard as the world weathers especially hard

alone but not quite as lonely as i convince myself.

the company of my thoughts as they casually come to be kinder.

human plans, god laughs, but that doesn't stop them from doing their best.