what can i say?

what can't i say is the better question, actually. it's a little entertaining that every time i take to my blog i have to remind myself that it's okay for me to write how i feel and this is how i process and that the fear of making others uncomfortable or that they'll receive me any differently isn't a good enough reason to stifle my thoughts and feelings.

sometimes i wonder how i learned how to process specifically through this means. through seeing my words appear across a screen and then launching them into an ether which isn't so far and actually quite close.

i think about how i feel much better with the affirmation that i cared enough about my words to compose them in this specific space. and thoughtfully guided and analyzed and processed to a greater extent, the feelings that swirl around.

when i remind myself that no one will ever be completely caught up with all the context of my words, it gets a little easier to share because it solidifies that this writing is for me. it's for me to release all the pent up thoughts and feelings and pondering that fills my head and weighs my heart down.

lately i've been visited both virtually and in real life by folks i used to see on very regular bases. my elementary/middle school (the majority of my middle school class originated from the same elementary school) homies have a reunion in the works for the summer, because this year marks 10 years since we graduated middle school.

ten whole years. i still remember flashes of memory from my time in ps18…and ms67…

an old friend hit me up, and asked if it was weird that she wasn't looking forward/wasn't as pumped about the reunion and i didn't think so because there were and parts of me that don't look forward to the unavoidable reminder that time's arrow marches on and only in one direction. for us to acknowledge and convene, it really solidifies how much time has elapsed.

on 2/22/22 i was visited by a friend from college, who i hadn't seen in 4 years.

we filled each other in on how the time apart had been spent, and she shed a lot of light on corners i'd left dim and cluttered.

her visit also breathed life into a version of me that i'd left on the wayside. the hopeful, inquisitive, curious me that believed in things greater than myself and in the power of changing and utilizing the chances i could take now that i have them.

she came back today and it was really wonderful to spend that time with her again.

it's reminiscent of how we'd share time and space years ago,

and affirming to know and feel very specific kinds of love and intimacy from people.

intimacy in the, i-trust-you-and-feel-safe-to-be-my-most-authentic-and-honest-and-organic-self-with-you-without-fear-of-reproach-or-rejection, kind of way.

the world is in chaos. it feels like it's all crumbling more and more every time i learn something new.

o-o-o

envigorated

i feel like a phoenix rebirthed from the ashes,

granted i made a big deal about bursting into flames first,

but now that ive shed my past life in the internal sphere,

my external view can see new colors.

how silly it is,

how simple a soulution

to let love in.

to let the light shine on you.

to soak in the warmth,

instead of being consumed by the fact those moments,

like everything in this life,

is beautifully ephemeral.

i used to think that meant there was no point in doing anything,

cynicism and nihilism were all i knew.

to wallow in the bitterness of yesterday,

instead of appreciating the beauty of right now.

i dont feel like a lost soul anymore.

i dont feel like scum.

i dont feel like a perpetual failure.

i just passed 81st street on the subway.

i miss my dad.

im frustrated with my past selves.

o-o-o

i lived a vey disillusioned life for a long time.

occasionally i'd pop back into reality for brief periods,

but inevitably, i reverted back into a fugue, pseudo-reality, mostly limbo space where i thought i was in a pocket of space where time wasn't passing but that doesn't exist and i'm just a little silly sometimes.

what weighs on my head and heart,

is not knowing if i am making the kind of difference i want to.

i think that self preservation is a moot point,

with everything going on as it is.

i get very overwhelmed when thinking about the state of the world at large,

or even the city that i live in.

adams is trash.

what can i do?

a single grain of rice can tip the scales.

i want to be the grain of rice, i will be the grain of rice, i am the scales.

o-o-o

my reticence when posting anything these days is knowing that there's no real flow, no cadence, just thoughts, just a scattering of words that i want to fill this space to exit my body to exist beyond myself.

recently an old friend came back into my life and maybe it's not her return or maybe it is. maybe it's me finally embracing what forgiving myself for the things i cannot change, feels like, looks like, is.

two days ago my little sister told me that i don't even feel guilty about things,

i just feel bad about them and mope about it.

it wasn't fun to hear but i think after my dad died i decided that was my pass to blame everything else and sit in the self pity and stay in one place for as long as humanly possible.

the anniversary of his passing is around the corner,

tomorrow actually.

i still remember the call, i was in my anthropology of language class, i saw my sister's contact pop up on my screen and picking up, i kind of knew.

i heard their distraught voice "it happened. he's gone." and just like that, the rug had been pulled out.

i'd wasted the time that i had been gifted.

he was diagnosed with cancer in october,

not taken abruptly.

his decline was slow, but fast.

it had gotten worse by december,

having spread to his lungs.

i spent the entire time wrapped up in my own world.

i spend the entire time still concerned about myself and how it would impact me.

i knew that his passing meant it was my responsibility to step up.

to take care of the family he was leaving behind.

i resented him for that.

i resented myself for being part of the family he was leaving behind.

i resented myself for not being better prepared for this moment.

i always struggled with tenses in school,

when writing,

my past, present, and future were always mixed up.

those mistakes aren't so easily remediable in life.

you can't just go back with a red pen and revise.

there are no revisions.

if you're lucky,

you get more chances.

i think maybe that's why the visit from my old friend has impacted me in the ways that it has.

that plus the reckoning with resurfacing memories and feelings and everything in between.

i don't think i was a very good friend to her when i could have stepped up and shown up,

i stayed silent, i stayed complacent, and that's something i cannot change retroactively,

but can apply moving forward.

she never faulted me for not doing more, and that's reflective of a lot of folks i admire.

rather than fault the world around them, they take responsibility and adjust themselves and how they navigate instead of finding external factors to fault, or excuses why they didn't know better instead of learning how to do better from it.

i don't like making the same mistake over and over, or staying in the same patterns of behavior.

while i do enjoy pondering,

i think i sometimes overthink things.

sometimes i think too hard about things that could have simple solutions,

i complicate what doesn't need to be complicated, and oversimplify the big things.

i don't always have the words to articulate where my mind goes,

and am still trying to envision where i want to be in the next 6 months, and onward.

till i figure that part out,

i'm gonna enjoy each moment gifted,

each day.

yeah life's hard but that's the fun of it.

it'd be boring and monotonous if things weren't challenging.

i'm gonna stop selling myself short and forgetting what i'm capable of.

people have given me the tools to better,

it's no longer a matter of me not knowing how,

it's trusting myself enough to know that even when i make mistakes or mess up that it's not the end of the world, and that there are people who believe in me (myself included!!) and my ability to learn.

this has derailed quite a bit i think i'll return with a separate post

till then, happy reading and thanks for tuning into the latest from my brainscape