valentines day 2022

i miss my dad

i miss my dad a lot

i don't think about it as often as i used to

because it's strange y'know

to miss someone infinitely more

post-mortem

because you no longer have the option to interact with them in the present

only in the past tense

you can engage with their ghost all you want

but you can never speak to Them again

the them that they existed as

the person that they were

when i was in middle school,

what is struggled the most with in english class was tenses

i could never get my past, present, future aligned

it's kind of poetic looking back on it

i find it really fascinating that i can think the most cohesively in little snippets and chunks like this

rather than fully fledged,

fully fleshed out,

a matured, mindful thought.

i think it's partially because the purpose and intention of this blog space was to let my thoughts run free and wild.

i was talking the other day with my good friend who was telling me about how audiences or expected audiences affect how we write or how free we feel to write unfiltered.

i worry a lot about how my words will make other people feel,

because my words are my thoughts and feelings

but nothing is set in stone

and everything is subject to change

even my perception and opinion on things

that's a cop out i used for years,

to try and cover for my lack of "favorites".

i never had a favorite color, a favorite flavor, a favorite brand,

a favorite band, a favorite show…

i thought that because i knew that it probably wouldn't last,

or be my favorite forever,

that meant i couldn't or shouldn't claim it because that felt disloyal.

i don't know how i ended up here but i still miss my dad.

i miss his awkward wave,

his chuckle,

the way he'd pat my back or my head when we hugged,

his obvious discomfort with physical contact,

his inability to freely and openly name or speak his emotions (that weren't boiling over or untamable)

this valentines day i poured my love into my favorite person the same way my dad used to pour love into me.

<my ungrateful cup that purposefully spilled itself.>

i want to redact my unkind thoughts, but i also want to leave them because they did exist, but i am getting better at identifying the negativity, isolating it, and reminding myself to forgive the past me that did what they did with what they knew.

now i know i am lovable. imperfections and all.

now i know that i am loving, in both excess and absence.

now i understand that i am deeply flawed, as is everyone else.

it is not the lack of imperfection that make great people great, but the willingness to make friends with and unlearn the harmful behavior that make great people great.

i remind myself that love is not restricted to specific models or categories or expectations or unrealistic ideals.

i also remind myself that at the end of the day, my love for myself is the only love i really, truly need. everything else is simply surplus (much appreciated!!!)

it's embarrassing that it took the passing of our father for me to finally embrace my sister.

i literally asked them for a sister, and then i took her for granted for 18 years, before forgetting she existed for 2, and then still taking advantage of her compassion.

physical contact is still a journey of discovery for me.

ok on that note: goodnight