Unequivocal Truth

Sometimes now when I begin a thought, it inevitably leads to another thought, and then another, because we are but a reflection of our lived experiences. This is a concept first introduced to me through my pursuit of a women and gender studies degree. It was properly honed through my "Anthropology of Race" course, taught by Rhea Rahman, an extra-ordinary individual whose lessons still guide me even years after I left their classroom.

Back to this idea of objective truth, it is a myth!! A lie! And I am not a philosopher, but I do have many thoughts and opinions on existence as a whole, which are yet again, results of my experiences. But I do not understand why we as a people (humans) have this idea that we truly Know anything. We know what we think we know, and far too many times, reject what we think to be false.

We all exist in our own realities. My sister sometimes complains that I live in a bubble, but we all do. Our realities are shared by others in the material realness of it all - ie, a radiator is a radiator, a rock is a rock, a duck is a duck…and so on. But to everyone, these nouns come with connotations. They come with feelings, and memories, and our own personal array of emotions. For example, sharks to me, aren't simply just sharks, I know they're also amazing predators and a truly misunderstood existence, but humans love placing judgement and assigning worth and bonding over shared experiences, whether those be negative or positive experiences. That was a bit of a tangent but I love life and everything around me so much and I truly believe every second is a blessing because we take existence for granted so much of the time, but I am happy to be sitting here right now, writing my thoughts to into existence, and knowing they will reach people.

ANYWAY. Sharks also mean Love because Andrew loves sharks, and because Rachel loves Andrew, they also love sharks. And I love both of them. And thus it is a cycle. A cycle of love.

On my spontaneous trip to the Catskills, we stumbled upon this little deli. It felt like Eden there. They believe with their whole existence that God is Love and that the key to this lifetime is just Loving each other and the world around them. I looked them up after I left, because I took pamphlets and exchanged email but I also am not naive and know that indoctrination is a very real danger haha. But they are kind and they email me and when I was there they listened so intently and were so compassionate. I do plan to go back and would like to take whoever would be down to go, and they're keeping up with my life which is very nice of them.

So I came here because I sometimes forget that we live in our own realities, living at home and such. I forget that this is a bubble, one with many many memories. Some very cherished, and other buried deeper - where it's dark and it's hard to know what's what. But I am here to clean this house, and go through the stuff with my mother now. While she is here and while I do have her. And I am learning that I have to be in tune with her reality when I am with her, to properly come from a place of love (Thank you Jae), and handle her with care.

As explanation, I am but an accumulation of my experiences - and that also means I feel the need to honor those who have walked my life in love, and taught me what I know. They introduced the concept, through a post of theirs, and then later them telling me the story themself. I have yet to get around to watching the media that introduced this to them, but it is on my long list.

Back to my mother, her reality is vastly different from mine, and largely shaped by the same systems I have learned to despise. The world as we know it needs to change, and we need to be able to shift the way of thinking for as many that are willing to learn and do the work.

If a tree falls in a forest, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

-Bishop George Berkeley

Though many analyze this in a scientific fashion, I interpret this as: it is great to speak, but if no one is listening, is it as if anyone is talking at all?

My mom often says she hears what I say, but she never says she was listening. I never realized how much she hated semantics till I remembered that we project what we do not know how to convey.

My dad died in March of 2020, from cancer, not COVID. He was diagnosed in October, but developed bedsore which got infected, and he could no longer fight both cancer and infection. I am happy he is not in pain anymore, and glad that he missed out on the current pandemic. I know that living at home would be a much different reality than the one I am living. And maybe there's a universe that exists where he is alive and the correlating existence is having their own revelations about life and being an "adult".

There are so many lessons that he taught me, and I want to share them with the world. He know I would do this, and some part of him really wanted that to happen too I believe. He would say that I'd get famous and then write books about how he screwed me up, but he didn't. He loved me in the ways he knew how, and I understood them. I couldn't love him back in the ways he asked me to, but he forgave me for it all, even as he lay on his eventual death bed. I didn't know that I needed to release this for all to see, and for him to see, but I know that it needs to be somewhere.

Everyone keeps telling me to get a therapist, but there is far too much backstory to properly explain it to one person and feel like they get it. And if I'm going to have to sort it all out, I might as well honor his memory and talk about it all - the hard lessons, and the soft lessons.

To say I will write a book is ambitious, but I know that I will memorialize his impact on my life the best and most authentic way that I can, which is through writing. Through speaking. Through keeping his memory alive, as he walked my life - with love.

That's my truth, and that's the reality I know I am blessed to exist in.

I love to walk the worlds of others, and it is such a rare blessing to find people who exist in the same world as you do, or also navigate in the same ways.

I hope this post finds you all well, and that perhaps my unpacking has shed light on a mirroring experience in your life.

🌱❣️✡️