Holding Myself Accountable - What Transformative Justice Looks Like for Me. (As the PWCH)

I am a person who caused harm.

As a person who non-consensually touched another person, who trusted them, I am disgusted and ashamed with myself, because that is assault.

As a person who has been in these spaces, and should have known what consent looks like, I did not practice or respect the consent of someone I claim to care about.

Though it makes me cringe to write it, because that makes it really real, I took advantage of a situation, and a person.

I abused the trust, respect, and boundaries of another individual, and it is hard to feel worthy of any compassion. I took advantage of a situation, and though I was under the influence of alcohol I will not blame anything or anyone other than myself for my transgressions.

I had a misconstrued sense of entitlement, which allowed me to violate someone I claim to care about, and an exaggerated ego which led me to disregard verbal communication, and misconstrue non-verbal communication.

I use the word claim, because it is hard to believe that I truly care about someone if I am able to disrespect their boundaries, autonomy, and humanity so easily. If, in the moment that it mattered the most to speak up, I remained silent and assumed that my actions were permissible (NOT CONSENT).

As an abuser, it is hard for me to accept anything positive or constructive, because I feel that I deserve reproach, and repercussions. I feel as though I deserve punishment, pain and isolation for my mistake. But how will that benefit the individual I inflicted harm upon, or myself?

It is painful to have to write about my mistakes, it is painful to have to live with my poor decisions, and it is painful to know that I inflicted harm on someone that I claim to love.

It is devastating to be made aware that I am capable of the same violence that I fight so hard against.

I abused someone, and as disappointed in myself and as ashamed as I am to admit it, there can be no transformative justice if I do not own up to my mistakes and actions.

I am aware that we perpetuate the abuse we experience, but that is no excuse for our individual actions, and no words can convey how remorseful and horrified I am at my actions.

I am deeply, truly, and wholly sorry to everyone hurt by my actions, will educate myself, and apply the lessons learned from this incident.