Today I Wore Tefillin

For those of you unfamiliar, there are 2 sets of leather boxes with scrolls with verses from the Torah (Old Testament) which are worn by observant Jews during morning and weekday prayers.

I did not have very many femme Jewish religious leaders, and so I did not see very many women wearing tefillin, and though Judaism welcomes all who come, in my experience the polarized gender binary is still prevalent. Due to this lack of representative exposure (don't even get me started on the lack of Jews of color, there were a handful, quite literally, of non-white Jews in the spaces I was active) - tefillin have always to a certain extent been a privilege/duty of men. I do not identify as a man, or a woman, though when in Jewish spaces I feel like I have to choose one side or the other, of a binary I don't believe in.

I worked at a bakery in Crown Heights briefly, it was a chabad bakery, for my Jewish family reading this. I really enjoyed working there, it was a nice bakery (though the management was terribly disorganized and the owner's wife was truly…a mother…in all meanings of that word), and it gave me the chance to gift the Jewish families that have helped raise me (I would bring pastries to my Rabbi and his family, and my childhood friend's family). The greatest takeaway from that experience, however, was easily the gradual softening of the community. When I first started, people were rude to me, they would ignore me when I would ask if they needed help, they would be curt with me or talk to me as if I weren't on their level, but I had braced myself for the reservations I know I will face whenever first put into an orthodox space. I remained myself, smiling and handing coffee and sweets, openly making conversation with those who were kinder, remembering names and orders, and making them feel as welcome as possible. Slowly but surely more of them warmed up to me, and I was invited to their synagogue by Eli (very nice, always got a cappuccino and latte for himself and his wife, and he was the first nice guest on my first day). Though I didn't win every guest over, it was a heartening experience to see them open their hearts up, and restored my faith in my Jewish community. I do not regret leaving (I asked for a raise because of the level of disorganization & professionalism in the workplace, and they declined), though I wish I'd had the chance to say goodbye to all the lovely regulars who revived my love of my religion.

The other thing, however, that was reinforced, was the polarization of existence. The more comfortable guests started using gendered slang, like "dude" or "man" when interacting with me. It made me happy to know they were trying, I think in their eyes they thought I was a transgender man perhaps because of my "masculine" presentation. I don't, however, want to be perceived as a man, but just a person free of the connotations of either gender, a person free to be. I love my pronouns, but again I was faced with the situation in which to try and explain what it means to be non-binary to a group of people that still abide by incredibly gendered traditions would not be a simple coffee chat. I decided that battle was not worth it, and embraced the growth that did happen in the time I was there.

Jumping back into the present, today was the yahrzeit (year anniversary) of the passing of my dad. I wore tefillin for the first time on my own (I put it on once in Hebrew school, but never used it while praying) in honor of him, and in honor of myself. While it is easy for me to tell others that they don't need labels to define them, the same goes for me. I can exist in spaces as Julia, or Jules and still be the same Me there. The name I am referred to by isn't as important as who it is saying it, and I know that my congregation loves me no matter what. I also know that they will not judge me for wearing tefillin, and it doesn't make me more or less of a man, just someone who is trying to connect deeper with their religion and spirituality.

I am ending this now so I can go to afternoon services, but this was a declaration for me. I am a Jew, I will always be a Jew and I am Proud to be a Jew.

✡️❤️🌱