the only way out is through

i am not good at chewing through the hard things. grappling with tough feelings, being patient and analyzing a situation…those were not my strong suits, though they are skills i am working on honing.

the past 5 days i've taken a bit of a staycation in the form of cat-sitting for a friend and catching up on some much deserved Z's.

i've held back from writing because i always hit the stumbling block of feeling like i share too much of my life via this platform and maybe it's another form of avoidance, to share about the things i think and feel about it here rather than directly with the people they involve. that's a matter of opinion i guess because whatever makes me happy and doesn't harm others is fine right? and according to fez, sometimes people need to get their feelings hurt.

for the past several months, i've been working on my relationship with my mother. it is one of the first relationships i had, not by choice, rather by chance and fate and circumstances beyond my control.

i spent a long time being resentful about this, but not anymore. i am working on being grateful, and choosing to embrace that feeling rather than the flip side of bitterness and frustration at the paths that were not meant for me.

more recently, i have been realizing that my life has reached the point of needing to completely reconfigure my methods. i am more of a cold turkey kind of person, the gradual phasing out of things leaving too much room for excuses. this upcoming week my little sister, their boyfriend, and i will be signing a lease together. while it is incredibly exciting, it's also a good milestone to leave all my baggage at the door, and move forward a little less cumbered.

in junior year of high school, my AP lit teacher had us read "the things they carried" which was a series of anecdotes from a vietnam war veteran. the book was a heavy read, as the vietnam war was a contentious point in history (fuck imperialism, but draft is draft and the government doesn't leave you many choices…this can be expanded but we are all subservient to the systems of power in play).

this book comes to mind every time i think about the weight my heart has borne, and how still it rises and falls, keeping my vessel afloat amidst the tumultuous waves.

to grow apart from your friends, the ones that you held closest to you, because you'd spread yourself so thing over the years - quality over quantity - the world always tried to remind you - but you kept going nonetheless. you still have folks that you started with, ones that go way back, the ones who have earned the title of "family" whatever form that takes for them. it is comforting to know that some bonds are stronger than the hands of time, or perhaps they were always meant to flow along with them.

to revisit memories that you'd once wanted to plate in gold, only to discover have their own side B, the shadowy version when you aren't wearing your rose-tinted shades and can see the underbelly.

it is hard to confront these facts, the inevitable shifting, discomfort, of the old skin of a past life, finally being too constricting, finally needing to be shed.

do you say goodbye?

when a snake sheds it's skin,

does it ever look back wistfully?

does it reminisce about the times spent in those set of scales?

does it take one last whiff of the version of themself they will be leaving behind?

why do snakes have such a bad reputation?

why is it an insult to be called a snake?

what beautiful creatures,

akin to the phoenix.

but rather than busting into flames,

the snake simply leaves it's old skin behind,

slithering off into the wilderness - to begin again - or perhaps continue.

i find it a little ironic i can only release the things that plague my mind and my heart,

in thinly veiled metaphors written in an amateurs verse.

even as i type this, i feel my heart lightening,

just a bit.

it is easier to breathe knowing that some version of the truths i have been holding,

have made it to a space other than my mindscape,

though i am making myself quite a home here,

it's not yet ready for visitors.

this is the closest you can get for now,

but i will be back soon.

till then,

all the best.

jules