the irony is not lost on me

as i sit in the last hour of 2022,

i think of how differently i am ending this year from last year,

i feel the most in touch with myself this time around.

this past month i've been experimenting with my intake,

of social media, of substances (weed/alcohol), of people,

of music, of sound, of exercise, of time.

i've also been facing the feelings, the memories, head on,

while also reminding myself when i can,

not to get Stuck, not to dwell on the feelings of despair.

the soul bird episode of midnight gospel is playing.

i've been getting to know myself, really getting to know myself lately,

and choosing where to make changes for the sake of everyone involved,

but mostly me.

my arms are weary and my brain and heart are tired of playing games with ourselves.

i'm not sure if i like who i've been,

and i'm also not sure who i concretely want to be instead?

there's no one true anyone,

so it's about figuring out what i want the consistencies to be.

what stays across all the facets?

i am going to choose gratitude, kindness, and compassion. starting internally, and then moving outward.

in order to do this, i understand now that i have to limit the scope of my engagement,

because it is unreasonable (though admirable) to think i can show up consistently for everyone in the ways i've been trying to, and slow down.

i'm so used to charging ahead, trying to fast forward through the uncomfortable parts, racing on through.

it's 12:21 now

and nothing has actually changed,

today i organized/cleaned in ways i haven't...ever.

i sorted all the messy parts i'd previously avoided, procrastinated, put on hold till further notice.

though i'm not where i want to be,

to know where i want to be is a blessing.

to 2023 being another gift of time and opportunities to grow and do better than 2022.

to finding more facets of myself i thought i buried too deep to recover.

to choosing love in more moments than i have before.

to leaning into carefully considered leaps, rather than cowering in fear and insecurity.

to embracing the rough parts of me, and allowing time and tenderness to smooth them out eventually.

to being my own favorite person, because i am a pleasure.

to being mindful that everyone is beautifully unique and deserve to have their boundaries checked in on and respected.

to dreaming and hoping and believing in myself and the power of tomorrow.