taking initiative

i've been finding it particularly challenging to write in this space, or in general.

to synthesize my ventures, to sit and process my experiences, requires very specific conditions that i need to be proactive about curating for myself.

writing as a form of expression,

as an art -

writing as a form of escape,

as release.

i don't always feel compelled or comfortable to write wherever i am.

i don't know what it is,

maybe having a perceived audience,

maybe the potential of being interrupted.

in public spaces,

it feels more necessary than ever to stay hyper-vigilant - to keep one eye open,

to keep watch for any potential danger.

is it because of my trans-ness?

is it because of my chinese-ness?

is it because the world is unraveling at the seams, and it could always be you.

unless you is a white man

unless you is having the complexion of the kkkolonizer

unless you is having the systemic power structures backing you up.

i digress.

that was not where this was meant to go,

rather, this is where my mind strays.

my sister told me the other day, in longer and shorter words,

that i am the architect of my own misery,

that i am the root of my own pain,

that my inability to take action is why i have moved at a snails pace.

0-0-0

things are changing,

my fellowship placement is new,

i am apartment hunting with my sister for our next home,

i have discovered what self love can look like,

i am deconstructing all the pedestals my younger self erected,

and i am using their parts to create my foundation.

i will be back soon. till then safe travels