some plants need less water

i have a plant,

named gouda,

ironically because they're a holey plant,

so logically, their name should be something like swiss,

the colloquial name for this green being.

it tickled my peach to name it facetiously,

reminding me of how the vikings named iceland and greenland as misnomers,

to throw off folks who wanted to ravage the places they'd discovered.

gouda was doing pretty well until i got back from colorado,

forgetting that they're a plant that does better with intermittent watering.

i thought that it was the shifting sun (less bright light).

or the temperature drop,

which also might be factors.

gouda has two matching plants in two different parts of brooklyn,

cared for by two very different kinds of people.

one, i am sure is flourishing. cared for by a compassionate person who knows how to put themself first and i am grateful to know they exist in this world.

the other - i have seen, remains the same size, tucked on a shelf away from the sun.

this is the first time i've cared for plants, much less 8 separate ones

(3 of these are all mother of thousands, from propagations from a friend)

in murakami's memoir, he speaks of the importance of pacing when running and when writing.

he stops himself when he feels like he could write for a few more pages,

so that there's still momentum the next time he sits down to write.

pacing. rationing. the theme is the same: self control meeting patience - a holy matrimony.

o-o-o

the other day i experienced a great example of how i still have some people-pleasing tendencies to unlearn. i realized that while i am getting better at maintaining some boundaries - i am still learning where there are fissures.

one fissure is my Community.

someone asked for something, because they saw me giving to others.

as a fellow Trans person, i did not want to contribute to the cycles of trauma i am sure they've been faced with, contribute to the cycle of rejection, contribute to the mountains of memories of people spurning their desire for attention. it can be discerned, when people have been turned away, time and time again.

on the spot,

i paused, and i aquiesed.

i caved to their desire,

as opposed to my comfort levels,

to save perceived face.

to ensure they did not feel rejected.

i wanted to know,

it weighed on my mind,

had they been cis,

would i have caved?

i know the answer,

and it is no.

"i'd rather not."

"no, sorry, i don't know you like that."

"maybe next time we see each other."

"maybe once we get to know each other better!"

"is a handshake ok? how about a fist bump?"

it is hard for me to say no,

to the people who i feel like Understand certain struggles,

certain experiences,

certain hardships and feelings that are beyond the comprehension of people,

at home in the bodies,

at home in the gender identities assigned to them,

who are content with the roles that society has thrusted onto them.

i don’t want to contribute further,

to the projected cycle of rejection.

i don’t know them.

i don’t know their story.

i don’t know their baggage.

that works both ways.

i don’t know them, so be kind.

i don’t know them, so be careful.

i don’t know them, and that’s okay.

i don’t know them, i don’t owe them.

i owe it to myself to be true to myself.

if i don’t want to do something,

if i don’t like something,

i am the only one who will honor my wishes.

[[wishes.

as you wish.

being a hopeless romantic.

will absolutely be the death of me.

but what a sweet death it will be.

one that i wouldn’t regret.]]

the other day i learned there are big words for specific phenomena,

and that some people commit to learning everything they can about the things they really care about,

and that's the kind of person i want to start being.

i've been compiling lists of the things that i've put on the shelf for far too long.

i've been making lists of things i need to get done.

i've been neglecting the modes of passing time that help me optimize my functioning.

i haven't been able to exercise,

i haven't been able to burn off the excess feelings,

i haven't been able to sort through the more complicated, or simple things.

i've been struggling a lot,

in the rough, capitalist ways,

endlessly grateful for saint janine,

who is gently helping to heal my financial wounds.

the silver lining of today is the resurfacing of a much needed understanding of self,

i couldn't understand where my aversion came from, why i couldn't bring myself to face my numbers.

it felt kind of like the moment in percy jackson, when your god claims you, the understanding of a vital missing piece of my puzzle finally appeared.

and yesterday i was dismissed from a dream, a pipe dream perhaps.

how do i describe the dream i dreamed?

with gratitude for the time spent there. it was sweet to imagine, it was enticing to dream of more.

to fall back down from the floating, so that i can really feel the reality of where i am in the grand scheme of things (life and in the eyes of mainstream, general society.)

it's fairly comforting too, to admit that i breathed a sigh of relief, to admit that i have been focusing too much energy and time dreaming.

i have a long way to go, and it's gonna be a great, beautiful, exhilarating ride.

i am grateful to have the safety and security to have dreamed a beautiful dream.

i can't wait to see where i go, what i do, and how much growth is to come.