returning to reality

gate 42 terminal B

i have about 2 hours left to my return flight to new york.

i spent the first hour napping, and conserving energy.

goodbyes are hard. they’re bitter sweet. even if they’re not forever, they’re a melancholy, sombering inevitability.

this morning i was feeling heavier than i normally wake up, having to say goodbye to beloved humans who have supported me in ways i never thought i would have the opportunity to need.

lupepe, my sweet dear friend from high school.

a beautiful person who has always been a beacon of light, of kindness, of hope.

someone who has always found a way to find the silver lining, no matter how seemingly dark things seemed.

lupe, who told me that i always have a home in Colorado, true to her word.

dani, a wonderful human being i got to meet years ago, thanks to lupe.

the first friendly face i got to see in Chicago,

helping me with my bag, even before i needed it.

dani, adept at witty comments, and so insightful.

thank you both for your support.

thank you both for educating me in our queer ass culture.

thank you for taking me to my first electric music show.

thank you for housing me.

thank you for welcoming me.

thank you for transporting me.

thank you for trusting us with your canine child.

thank you.

feels so inadequate to encapsulate the gratitude i hold for you both. till we meet again.

wowow. jasmeen.

where do i begin?

from our lunch in chinatown?

to departing at DIA.

from you offhandedly offering your time, physical mental and emotional support,

to ensuring that i could make this portion of my journey a reality,

to reassuring me consistently,

as one hyper-independent individual to another,

that you were here because you wanted to help me, and that i wasn’t a bother, and that you were happy to help.

i am listening to midnights (3AM edition) because now this album will bring me back to the wildlife reserve and remind me of our time spent together, healing alongside one aother.

i am listening to snow on the beach,

thinking about how baby jules used to jam out to taylor swift alone in a corner of their room.

i am listening to snow on the beach,

thinking about how you let me serenade you with my pretzel mic,

singing at the top of my lungs to tswizzle,

thanking me even - for my off tune enthusiasm.

you’re on your own kid is playing.

chronologic order makes the most logical sense,

but that’s not quite how the memory works.

how do i consolidate a week+ of love.

of adventure.

of feelings.

how do honor a week+ of cuddles with lizzy,

and getting to know an irreplaceable, remarkable human.

i’m replaying the song.

because there’s no shame in needing to rewind,

and listen more carefully the second third fourth time around.

thank you for teaching me about trees.

thank you for sharing your experiences.

thank you for trusting me.

thank you for helping me.

thank you for wrapping my newly crafted chest.

thank you for ensuring my safe passage (despite all the wild ass Colorado drivers).

thank you for getting things from high shelves, even though i’m taller than you.

thank you for being so receptive.

thank you for showing up.

thank you for this time together.

thank you for making this possible.

safe travels, sweet soul.

from corn mazes to farmers markets, to trader joes to nature drives.

to driving to in and out to taking pics in front of murals to late night tacobell.

to jack n the box and hating with love.

question is playing.

where will we be, where will we go, where will we meet again?

i don’t know, and that’s okay.

what i do know, is that it will be seeped in love and genuine care. the real, authentic kind, that i am beyond blessed to have found with my colorado crew.

xo joules