responding to a question

the closest i've ever experienced True Silence is when i've been upstate, in the middle of the night, in the winter.

because it's upstate, it is away from the natural sounds of metropolis - and because it is very suburban, there is a lot of space between each residence as well.

even there, it's not the kind of silence i imagine is full-bodied, total silence.

it reminds me of the scene from snowpiercer, in the heart - where chris evans falls to his knees at the Silence of solitude, the thought of true, absolute silence. it's deafening.

i am more conscious of my word-choice, as i realize that so much of it is ableist, discriminatory, divisive. this language, the structures, designed to make some of us feel lesser and some of us feel more powerful and in control.

i think about how the english ASL sign for run looks like someone holding a gun and it makes me wonder where that originated and if the game of power and control will ever end.

i wonder if we're past the point of no return, what the world is going to look like in 5 years from now, who'll even still be around to speculate about it.

i think about what matters more, the right now, or making sense of the past so it can guide me to a better future, or somehow, a dizzying balance of the both and of everything.

i wonder about how some people can just tune out the parts that don't suit them, that are distasteful, the parts that they don't want to think about.

true Silence.

i wonder what that feels like.

does it feel peaceful? tranquil? serene?

or does it feel lonely, isolating, and distant…like a dissonance to what the human psyche yearns for?

are these rude questions? queries to be answered by someone somewhere someday?

or are these natural thoughts, to be pondered and explored?

someone told me "i clearly have a knack for it" as in writing, and it warmed my heart and inspired me to continue to trudge forward, to keep on pushing through. to push through the insecurities, the fear of being perceived in ways beyond my control, to let go of the idea i had any say in how my words and thoughts and feelings and TRUTH will be received.

like right now, trying to raise money for my surgery through crowdfunding is an arduous task, it is not fun nor is it easy, to ask for financial support, to ask people to donate their money which was earned through their time being utilized for something other than themselves (whatever their occupation may be), to beg from those who have excess and are even less likely to give than those who have far fewer resources.

like right now, trying to make what always felt like the impossible, happen, without making my reality a living hell (medical debt is a tRAP like all debt).

i have missed this particular mode of expression. of creation, of the birth, and rebirth of my thoughts borne onto this screen.

i hope this finds u all well. will be back soon!

with peace and compassion

xo jules