recalibrating my reflexes

okay so my response time could use some work.

the whole assess, process, apply that we're supposed to have as like a survival skill, is definitely one that i am still working on.

this time it was a little faster, i'm definitely learning.

this time i was only a beat late.

i've been working on my impulse control is the thing,

so i've been working on not immediately doing the first thing that pops into my head,

but indecision will be the end of me,

because i wanted to chase you down,

shout your name,

i had some things that i wanted to give you,

but i didn't want to add to the load you were already bearing.

and i'd had a pre-existing conundrum of where i was heading,

little did i know there was a third option:

-i could have asked if i could help with what you were carrying,

-i could have simply asked if it'd be okay to walk with you for a while.

-i wanted to walk with you for a while.

i miss you.

why didn't i?

WHY didn't i?

fear obviously.

fear of what though?

what is there to be afraid of?

you aren't scary.

you're simply sure. certain. steady. consistent.

i was afraid that me taking that initiative would be doing too much.

would be crossing the boundaries set.

*if you need me professionally, you know where to find me*

i fear being too much, as i have been - but that's me carrying the past into the present.

i fear that i am out of chances.

that this was the last opportunity to share with you the things i've left unsaid.

taking down the art i'd created with you in mind.

is my time up?

i don't want to keep squandering yours.

though every second with you is well spent.

i didn't have anything planned is the thing,

and i wasn't sure if i was welcome to tag along.

do i always need an invitation?

did you get to where you were going okay?

you opted for a walk.

perfect to chat.

a shared activity, to share - actively.

carefully curated conditions.

perfectly planned?

or am i personalizing (i am trying Not to do this)

if it was coincidentally convenient, who's to look a gift horse in the mouth?

i mean i did. but that's why

my entire way home i was on this silly adrenaline-induced high.

from sharing time and space of course - an honor,

and from the frustration with my fear of not choosing my heart's path.

i have so much i wanted to tell you,

like how i trained to be a death doula because i knew there was going to be an impending loss in your life,

or how my job's teaching me a ton about consent, boundaries, and communication that i've been integrating into my life.

or how you're sometimes the positive voice inside my head and i think about you far more often than i should and how you inspired me to want to live well, live fuller and that without having met you, i don't think i would have been brave enough to undergo surgery. maybe you knew that - because you were the only person to receive a 'not dead' text when i woke up, but maybe you didn't.

now whoever's reading this does and that's okay because i am learning how to be proud of all of me and my words and my experiences and just me in general.

i don't crave external validation, though i am learning how to warm up to it.

i do need to ask, and respect when the answer is no.

to do what's within my means, and not try to do more (because i will inevitably fall short if over-extended)

i am still a little frustrated but not too too much.

perhaps we were meant to be ships passing in the night. i don't want us to be.

i don't want to be the california. i want to be the carpathia.

chagrin. changing.

slowly but surely.