prioritizing my own pace

i look forward to weekends.

the time i know is just for what i want it to be.

one of my super powers is that i can find a way to find joy wherever i am.

i love being pleasantly present - because in a moment, i know that's the only place i can be.

today i spent hours with my sister. just chilling in the same space.

safe.

a safety i wish we could have accessed back home.

a safety i wish i tried harder to create. to carve out. to fight for.

a soft safety i wish i could've dreamt into reality, could have gifted, given to myself.

a space, a place i didn't know could be real within the walls of where we called 'home'.

i won't keep moping and harping on what was.

it distracts me and holds me back from what is, what's real, what's now.

i don't want to keep wishing i'd spend the pandemic processing,

the lockdown on pause,

the world stopped and i didn't know how to not crave continual motion.

to lull me into the illusion that i could occupy myself out of obligation.

everything everywhere all at once won seven oscars and my heart is full and my inner child, younger self is ecstatic. there's a movie coming out soon called joyride and there's a transracial adoptee and it's heartening to finally see myself represented. the same for the movie after yang. quelling the jealousy, the nostalgic wistful feelings of 'i wonder how differently life would be if' what good do those thoughts do?

i understand now, at the tender/ripe age of 24 that life is about finding people you want to do laundry and taxes with. about finding the folks whose company makes the little things big things and welcoming those moments of connection and community.

right now, i struggle a little bit, because there is somewhere - or rather someone i want to be around.

i didn't know how to share this part of myself quite yet.

i let fear make the decision for me,

but i also know that i have a bit of a ways to go,

and i didn't want to feel like i had a timer looming over my head,

which i internalized and then projected.

the sense of urgency - that i should be farther than i am. that the wasted time was written all over.

the fear, the feeling of inadequacy that i didn't know how to handle.

the confusion about my own boundaries. my own insecurities. the ones i didn't even realize existed till they surfaced.

i want to keep you company, create a safe place for you within my life someday.

i am still delusionally devoted, in case you were wondering.

hopelessly hopeful romantic.

perhaps not delusional. willfully waiting for whatever i may be granted.

i am content with whatever proximity can be afforded.

our time is precious, and i have the comfort of knowing yours is intentionally, beautifully spent.

it was intimidating to learn more -

to find out that you truly embody your values and beliefs, live by your word.

perhaps our paths shall cross once more.

i am doing my part.

parts of me i've discovered:

-i like to start my day with oatmeal and some exercise, acclimating my soul to my body

-i like to end my day practicing guitar; because i wish i'd learned discipline and empathy sooner

-i love spending time with my little sister and andrew and i want to give them all the nice things because they deserve the world and because i have a lot of time to make up for

-i like biking because it's a little gentler on my joints (my ankle and knee are a lil worse for wear) and it reminds me of the first time i learned how to bike, my dad said it must be in my genes

-i like writing either in the morning or the evening, but just in general, it feels really good to write myself into existence, to leave my mark how i feel and see fit

-i like drawing when i want to process because that was one of my first safe spaces. creation

-i like to read in natural light

-i like exploring nature spaces with people i love

yesterday was history,

tomorrow's a mystery,

today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

-oogway from kungfu panda

i am picking the pace that feels sustainable, getting my affairs in order, and figuring out what makes sense and feels good for me. managing my time in more efficient ways - rather than panicking or procrastinating. (there's a difference between pausing and procrastinating which is something i've had to discover the hard way).

slower but steady this time. sure. certain.

it's a little surreal that i'm going to turn 25 in over two and a half weeks .

sometimes when i wash my face, i think of the scene from moon light where he washes his face as a kid and then is fully grown and that's kind of how it feels when you grow up in less than ideal conditions. you do what you need to when you have to, and then you're finally out and you get the chance to reckon and reconcile with what you did to get to where you are now. and now you have the chance to decide where to now from here. where do we want to be? in 5 years? in 10?

we'll see. everything's an adventure if we allow it to be. it's all about *perspective*

gonna be thinking about where i want to be and what i want to be doing in the days, weeks, months, years ahead.