Pressing Play

True to my nature, I have a slew of drafts, posts that I began but didn't deem worthy of posting. I thought that this revamp I would Consistently keep up with posting on a more regular basis, but when faced with the prospect of what that really meant, I realized it was a much greater ask than I was at the time, ready for.

When I learn something new about myself, I try to tetris where the new Understanding will fit into my current life, and when there are Too Many changes at once, I realize that my instinct now is to retreat inward until I have adequately processed and can navigate accordingly. It is part of my endeavors to be Mindful with every action, and to only move Deliberately, but will sometimes cause a sort of traffic jam in the flow of my life (aka the long hiatuses in which I am recalibrating, or as my sister likes to say "buffering").

After attending the amazing workshop organized by noname (thank thank thank you dear comrades) about restorative and transformative justice - my internal flames were stoked and I was reminded in a different setting that this work is continuous, nonstop and will never be as linear as we'd like it to be. Being confronted with ourselves, the facets that we are familiar and the facets that we are not - is a difficult process, and one that is incredibly daunting to do alone.

A concept that Dr. Mendez brought to light is that to build a strong, healthy community, an important foundation is values. Agreed-upon values that everyone within the community is informed, and has the opportunity to consent to. Taking this perspective and transferring it to the individual, I return to the related idea that there is no such thing as "objective truth" in this life. There is only what each of us experience, and how we choose to act & react in kind. The beauty of being human is the dynamic quality we possess - the ability to shift and change and grow in accordance to our surroundings. We are always and constantly adapting, but what keeps us unique US is our core values.

For those of you who are familiar with Ins*de O*t, I think P*xar really outdid itself with the deconstruction and simplification of the human existence. Riley's "core memories" are what dictated how she was able to navigate the world. *SPOILER ALERT*, when Sadness ends up saving the day, she shows the rest of the Emotions that duality exists; that we cannot repress any of our beautifully human feelings and expect to flourish or thrive. Of course I know it was also a children's movie and there are more nuanced experiences, factors, but as far as digestible content and better understanding how we work - I think this movie is a good reminder to be kind to ourselves, and allow ourselves to Feel the joy and the sadness of moments.

I also always feel the need to include disclaimers whenever I go off into speculative tangents about stuff that I realize and want to share to a broader audience than just myself. The growing pains are rough and sometimes we don't realize that's the source of the pain and discomfort.

The other day, during a disagreement with my mother, she asked me why I was so angry and in the moment I denied that I was angry (though it was clear that my reaction was one of anger). After exiting the space with her and having time to sit with myself, I realized that she was calling me in, and I was defensive, because in the moment that it was happening - I was not in the headspace in which I could handle being held accountable for my actions.

Space is beautiful, space is necessary, but space is not always available in the times that we need it. It is a privilege, and it is in accepting and being aware of this I better understand this human experience. Once I had calmed down, I went back to my mother and apologized for my inability to take accountability in the moment that she needed (though my feeling of anger was valid, my reaction of elevating my tone was not, nor was my reaction of defensiveness rather than acknowledgement of the true observation she was making). This interaction shamefully reminded me of the long road I have ahead, to coping with the emotions I was never taught (explicitly or implicitly), how to channel (my father, may he rest in peace, passed on his inability to healthily express anger, something I recently realized and am in the process of unlearning) anger/frustration.

I realized another reason as to why I am hesitant to post is because this space is a form of public declaration to a certain extent, and it is not easy to post about the topics we are socialized to believe should stay in the "private" sphere of our lives. We do not wish to be judged by our peers, or judged for the actions we are not proud of. We want to show up as our best selves to all the spaces we inhabit, understandably so, and the notion that we are will be perceived as our less than positive actions and reactions is terrifying.

My dear friend recently posted on IG, very openly, of their transgressions. I am sure that it was not easy for them to admit to toxic behavior - and my heart truly goes out to the person who experienced harm at their hands. I am not trying to glorify the PWCH's declaration of accountability, because acknowledgement is one of the first steps - nor do I want to downplay the severity of the effects their actions had. I brought this up to highlight that self accountability will look like different things to different people, and this is an example of what it can look like.

Another great friend and I recently spoke about how it's incredibly overwhelming when we think about all the "bad" in the world, yet how this community is a source of hope and joy and "good". Knowing that our comrades care, and that together we are working towards a better future for Everyone shows me what the world can look like when people care.

That's all I have to say for now, but it's good to be freely writing again. It would feel wrong to not plug said community, so feel free to click the link tree below to donate to any of the organizations/individuals that have been Doing the Work.

https://linktr.ee/payyour_duze

Hope this finds you all safe, warm, and hopeful.

❤️🌱✡️