organic material

today when i woke up, my will to run was stronger than my will to be, and i ended up jogging and enjoying it (though i didn't log how far i ran, it felt really nice) which was a first and i think that maybe until i have access to a pool, jogging will be my go-to aerobic exercise. when i was younger, i didn't like running because of the feeling of my chest, even with a sports bra, the motion was a constant reminder of the anchors to an existence i dreaded.

today i was walking through central park, really exploring some recent events that transpired as a direct result of my over exuberance and unwillingness to address my suppressed desires and resentments.

i am sometimes more easily intimidated than i care to admit.

i have some intuition and some oversight.

i had tendencies to overthink the trivial and underthink the vital.

today i rewatched the memory episode of the mind explained and was reminded that the future and the past are processed in the same part of the brain and that explains why i am the architect of my own misery and get trapped in the ruts/spirals of fixating on the sour rather than the sweet because the sweet reminds me of the opportunities to be brave or strong that i rejected and regret and there's nothing i can do than better now and it's so hollow, but the beauty of hollow things is that they have room to be filled with anything we want and this is the approach i have been trying to rewire and this is the self-soothing technique of my choice.

yesterday i had taco bell because it reminds me of people who believed in me when i didn't believe in myself and yesterday i saw a post about how we are all mosaics of all the people who have ever loved us, no matter how close or far they are from us now we carry the fragments of the foundation that they helped to establish within us and today i was introduced to two new classes and it's such a blessing to have this opportunity to do good and bring the tools i wish i had to the youth, and today i looked up the skills of a drum major and thought about the requirements of an RA and realized that the big feeling was intimidation and feeling of inadequacy and insecurity and yesterday i had my first shift of my second job and it will helpfully help instill some much much needed time management/structural skills that i could stand to apply to my life.

tomorrow is going to be fun! i am excited to see my OG students <3

that's all for now. time to hit the hay.