on synagogue and shedding skins

growing with grief

pictured above: my late father's scarf next to a talit (jewish prayer shawl) hanging over the pews of my home sanctuary. my knee is captured as well as my mothers shoe and the corner of her skirt.

there is so much that can weigh on our hearts and minds

if it is not the state of the world,

it is the sudden, senseless tragedies that happen proximally to us.

talking to my therapist this past week,

(we meet bi-weekly, a cadence i am grateful for)

she asked me to analyze how i feel during positive interactions.

the full spectrum of emotions is present,

no matter what.

positive,negative,neutral.

like an atom,

positron,electron,neutron.

patterns i wish i’d (I WILL) paid attention to,

there’s no time like the present,

and what better way to occupy yourself than making up for the lost time?

this week i caught up on the new season of dead to me,

i don’t binge seasons when they come out anymore,

i am learning to pace myself,

one at a time, not more than one a day - if even that.

no particular rhythm but knowing that i need to make it last,

savor the season because there are only so many episodes.

this week i went to synagogue,

the first time in months,

it's 90 minutes away from where i live - if the MTA is timed right.

i showed up wearing my silk Chinese long sleeve,

prepared to stand out because i always have - even when i wore the plainest of clothes,

though shabbat dictates us to wear our finest;

my "finest" never felt fine,

nor did it feel like mine.

yesterday i had my first workshops with 7th graders and they are a much different experience than the 6th graders i worked with initially. the age perhaps. the school perhaps. many variables but one thing's for certain, i am learning a lot about others and myself.

i didn't get through my slide deck, someone took a pen i put out for the sign in sheet, and leaving the school i felt wrung out completely.

i don't remember being that much in 7th grade but perhaps that's a sign of the times.

the times are hard, the times are tricky, the times are confusing.

do i? don't i? i did, thoughtfully, carefully, respectfully - there's a first time for everything.

when i first started this post it was yesterday, 11/29.

little markers, little milestones.

how was i different, what had changed?

a lot yet not enough.

i have been careless,

i have been bumbling around a bit,

dropping some of the things i've been juggling,

still discovering what it feels like to fully inhabit,

pleasant presence in the present present.

exploring what makes me comfortable, uncomfortable and how to convey it, softly and gently yet still firm.

my new job helps,

as i map out how to teach/model/communicate what healthy relationships look like,

for the younger generations,

i am also educating my inner child,

who is thirsty for the knowledge, though stubborn and hard-headed on the uptake,

and quite frankly,

not so much my "inner" child so much as my outer child,

which is an area of improvement for many a scenario.

growing up in all the spaces i did,

my identity became fragmented,

i became fragmented.

i was julie, julia, jules, little j, little asian boy, lingling.

i was whoever people needed me to be,

because that's what i learned,

but what about who i need me to be?

i'm still learning,

and i'm proud of how far i've come,

proud of where i am,

proud of who i am discovering myself to be,

patient with my progress,

and grateful for those who have been guiding me.

these thoughts could and are in the sanctity of pages that won't see the light of day,

this is for those who are curious for a glimpse into my mindscape,

and for a future version of myself to look back and take note of the places been and lessons learned along the way.