on rowing machines and regret

so at this current (LOVELY) catsitting set up i have going, there is a rowing machine in the basement. i’ve used rowing machines before, but this one is ‘smart’ from the brand iFit and also this time felt different because a memory from a past life resurfaced: the rowing team.

there was a whole presentation during gym class, Row NYC was a new addition, and they were trying to recruit rowers. my best friend at the time tried out, because she was interested, and while i considered it, because it coincided with the bowling (a ‘sport’ i chose to try and win my parents approval…subconsciously somehow) season, and even then i had commitment issues (and clung to the activities that made me feel like i was wanted/part of a larger whole, even if i wasn’t always seen, appreciated, or uplifted in those spaces/by those people)

it’s a little cathartic to allow myself to feel the feelings, to experience the emotions as they come up, curiously and compassionately, rather than startled and resentfully - angry at my past self for not knowing then what i know now. choosing to be kind and forgive a younger Jules who did not have the resources, did not have the experiences that gave them the kind of perspective that would have informed a different choice, a different path.

the movie everything everywhere all at once gives me hope for the multi-verses, for the me’s that made the different choices. i hope they are happy, and i hope they are able to find peace and navigate whatever things they are dealing with too.

<<i explained the premise of the movie to someone who didn’t get it, and when recounting what the themes and messages were, i discovered something new about it too, which was that it can be interpreted as commentary on how we often get caught up, lost in thinking about the paths not travels and the choices not made, and it can consume and inhibit our present reality as well. we can choose to be happy where we are and make the choices within every moment that are within our ability, or we can choose to exist fragmented, lost in a past that cannot be altered.>>

it feels good to finally tackle regret, and to have gentle-loving-reminders from friends who tell me that there’s still plenty time to do the things that i want to do. (thank u karina). to truly be able to choose gratitude rather than grief over the choices i have the luxury and privilege of living with (i sometimes will get spurts of melancholy when i remember the siblings stolen before their time, for being braver and bolder and beautiful in their authenticity - in a world that didn’t deserve them and wasn’t ready for them. i believe in heaven because they deserve paradise. i believe in a realm for those who learned, and loved, and lived compassionately and courageously and considerately.)

*mental image of souls being booped into the little canisters like they used to use to send messages through tubes like in human resources*

i’ve missed wordvomiting into the cyber nether.

i'm about to be back with a vengeance. i can't smoke and since i'm 26 days till surgery so that means back to screaming into the digital void!!!!

stay safe, stay dangerous, stay soft!

o jules