on representation: a happy life

i watched an amazing show thanks to the kindest invitation from Pilar, a sibling who is a foster parent and a badass (community, family, human being) - called a happy life. (huge huge huge thank you to kathy ng who created this world. an amazing author, a lovely human being.)

it was performed in a hole in the wall blackbox theater in tribeca. pilar taught me the name for what type of performance/stage/background?? that is (with one singular set with doors and props and music being used to set the stage/indicate different background…very artfully done if i do say so myself.

**DISCLAIMER tons of spoilers, i’m just writing about this wonderful experience because one of my stronger suits is being able to consolidate my thoughts and feelings into written word. i was privileged and grateful to have gotten to celebrate with the cast following their closing show - and wanted to honor them how i can!**

the lineup:

Priyanka Arya Krishnan - Cat Mermaid

Sagan Chen - The Hermit (iconic trans representation)/Lil Bro

Viet Vo - Ox

Amy Chang - Birdie

Rachel Yong - Hot Shot Editor/Big Sis

the lighting and music really helped to set the stage, with the show beginning with a surreal (but beautiful!) character sitting on a toilet. they are femme presenting, with cat ears, a full set of nails, fishnets, and a MERMAID!!? tail (yeah i said that!). the only reason her presence didn’t shock me was this fact being the only bit of information i had going in (that pilar’s friend would be playing the role of a ‘cat-mermaid’) - amazing performance by Priyanka Arya Krishnan

the next character up was actually portrayed (i had no idea till i saw the program), by a fellow boxing teammate!!! Sagan Chen!!! and wow did i feel SEEN by their character (and performance!). they played the character of ‘the hermit’, who was a ghost who just wanted to be reincarnated as a soldier ant in his next life. he was also very visibly and notably trans, with fresh top-surgery wounds from a DIY surgery performed by the ethereal cat-mermaid. the two are talking about how they don’t want to share their living space..and how it’ll be easy and entertaining to scare the next potential tenant away.

we cut to another two characters entering a seemingly different scene (the common location is this apartment, which holds great significance to all characters present.) - the light is bright, there is the sounds of what seem to be a real estate agent, Ox, played by Viet Vo - a powerhouse in every sense of the word (on stage and off!) and Birdie, brought to life by the incredible Amy Chang. these two seem to be doing the typical ‘apartment tour’, complete with the ‘agent trying to reframe an apartment’s history to sound less suspicious and ominous’. there’s a bit of a otherwordly twist, when dead birds begin to show up and the apartment turns out to be messy and unkempt - but despite the seemingly worrisome happenings, Birdie agrees to rent the place out.

this happens a number of times, paranormal happenings occuring whenever Birdie tries to move into her new home and start her ‘happy life’.

there is the final character to enter the scene, what seems to be a writer or editor, who is also checking out the living space, embodied by the astounding Rachel Yong.

we learn later on about how the reason Birdie was stuck in a loop was the cat mermaid’s doing, preventing her from actually moving into the apartment. the goal of cat-mermaid and the hermit, two ghosts who had died in the apartment for contrasting reasons (the hermit took his own life due to depression, and cat-mermaid was gruesomely murdered)

we learn about the sperm lottery, the reincarnation rules, and how they dont want to have to share their already cramped living situation with yet another being.

while my memory is not the most accurate, i can recall specific scenes and themes that stood out to me, that stuck with me. first and foremost, the impact of having an entirely Asian cast, was incredibly momentous, important, and refreshing. as an adoptee who pushed away this idea of ‘being stereotypically asian’ which was just thinly veiled ‘internalized racism’ (which is rooted in my mothers aversion to the connection my sister [fellow adoptee] and i shared which she and my father were not part of- and her inability to handle that feeling of ‘other’ness) - i avoided anything that was aligned with my racial identity, creating a chasm inside i am still trying to figure out how to fill.

here are the scenes/themes:

Birdie, when talking about all the things she doesn’t know how to do, or doesn’t know about herself!

so this portion was particularly impactful because it reminded me of both my mother and also myself.

my mother, for those of you who are not familiar, is simultaneously a complex woman as well as being blissfully simple (respectfully.)

Birdie wanders around her new apartment, talking about all the things she doesn't know, as she puts together the new living space, hanging up her dead bird curtains, and taking tender care of the sparse things that she does have in the apartment. some of the questions she lists are seemingly simple, the facts that people are just "expected" to know about themselves, or in general. as she divulges, i remember feeling pang of annoyance (why doesn't she know these things?! they should be common sense!! ) which evolved into the understanding that this portrayal bothered me because they represented things that i've both witnessed and experienced, along with the realization that some people aren't afforded the same opportunities or conditions to think or discover these 'basic' facts about themselves. her lack of self awareness up until this moment was not by her own design, and i had to be patient and kind with how i regarded this fictional character (yes fictional but i was pretty hard on myself for being so judgemental at first too)

the way in which Birdie embodies this moment, with a gentle vulnerability - she is soft with herself, and does not fault herself for not having the answers to these questions. she is simply allowing herself to realize, and admit to herself, that which she does not know - without blame, without animosity, without resentment...this is something that i wish i had modeled for me in the same way that Chang embodied this character on stage.

upon realizing my own areas of growth (patience, compassion, and care - for myself and others) - i was moved to (almost..i didn't cry much before starting testosterone, and i cry less now) tears, and filled with a unique warmth.

thank you to Amy Chang for bringing this character to life. for embodying a fictional woman who gave me further insight into myself and my own origin. you have a great sense of humor and i enjoy your content on the grams!

“Making Stones”

this element of the show resurfaced memories i didn't even know were repressed.

so it's first brought up by the Editor/Big Sis, who makes reference to the pile of smooth erasers that her Lil Bro used to "make into stones". later on - we see The Hermit/Lil Bro showing Cat Mermaid how to make stones, which is rubbing the erasers against your skin, causing enough friction to, as Cat Mermaid pointed out, burns - and makes the eraser smooth. i had completely forgotten that this was something i would do, back in elementary school, until watching it on stage.

it was very deja vu, honestly, the character of the hermit really made me feel seen in the 'wow i'm also a trans-masc asian with body/gender dysmorphia who also experiences depression and the desire to be part of something greater than myself'-kind of way. i remember the feelings, the feelings of wanting to erase parts of myself, of thinking how great it would be if there were a great big eraser that could just erase the parts that i could do without, the parts that i was led to believe were 'wrong'. also, as i write this, i remember how many times we are told in school to not write with 'i' sentences, we weren't supposed to claim our thoughts, we were only supposed to regurgitate 'facts' but what are facts but one persons version of the truth. there is no such thing as one truth so that's pretty silly. i digress.

making stones was a very powerful detail that made all the difference and contributed very heavily to me feeling so understood and represented by this show. thank you, Kathy, Saga, and Priyanka for helping unlock this part of myself.

TENTACLE PORN/hello-kitty mermaid

wow ok so you definitely had to have been there for this - but the RECLAMATION of TENTACLE porn by East Asian femmes was liberating in a DIFFERENT way. like wow: so Big Sis/Editor is a porn editor and she creates a flourishing career for herself, despite mainstream stigma etc. as someone who discovered porn, specifically hentai and tentatcle porn, at 11 - it definitely impacted and informed a lot of my understanding of bodies, gender & sex. seeing a show that freely spoke on this topic, and even had an EA woman who was doing the editing/depicting - was so empowering to bear witness to.

there was definitely the theme of violence against women, mentioned through different characters experiences, both Birdie and cat mermaid, having experienced specifically male violence, but honestly, who hasnt? like, it's not only femmes that experience and are impacted by patriarchy, we all are, but some of us are more cognizant of the effects than others. the Cat Mermaid was actually based off of a true, horrific experience, called the Hello Kitty Murder Case, during which a 23-year old hostess was kidnapped, tortured for a month, and then eventually dying in the apartment she was held captive. while it makes my stomach turn to write about this, i find it incredibly important and poignant that Cat Mermaid be a character in this show - for all the femme-individuals who have suffered at the hands of male violence, for all the femmes who have been stolen due to the toxically patriarchal society we are all still subjects of - for all the femmes who can relate to the 'why doesn't hello kitty have a mouth...?' moment.

the symbolism, the power, the important reminder.

Thank you thank you thank you to Kathy Ng, Priyanka Arya Krishnan, and Rachel Yong for your beautiful, incomparable contributions.

Ox as a devoted soldier ant

Last but certainly not least..Viet Vo brought Ox to life, and I often think back to his character when feeling dejected and tired of the cycle that capitalism keeps us all trapped in. The way in which he walks both worlds, between the ghosts and the living, between the worker and the boss. The way he reclaimed his own power, only to return back to work because if not for work, what would we fill our time with? The trap of capitalism. The way we can find purpose through how we spend our time making a living. The freedom when you see through and understand and are able to make peace with and find meaning was beautiful - and i think the nuance and power of Ox's character and character development is relatable if you allow it to be.

All in all, to try and encapsulate the impact that this show had on me is pretty much impossible but this was my best attempt

on a even more personal and gratitude filled note, this lovely, astounding, life-changing cast, welcomed Pilar and i to join their closing night festivities in K-Town, at karaoke. to learn that the magnificent human beings were even more loving, accepting, and wonderful as their on stage counterparts, was such a gift. i will never forget the feeling of being fully accepted, by a group of folks who mostly started off as strangers, who cheered me on as i sang off-key, and embraced me. for it to be a room of people who understood what it's like to walk the world as we do (asian!!!) .... i am forever grateful, and will hold this evening (i remember all of it! despite all the soju viet and i consumed haha) from susan's hospitality in sharing her thoughtfully provided snacks (cool ranch doritos have never tasted so good), to kathy's dancing, to amy and amos complementing each other, to rachel and quinlan singing the songs that spoke to them, to priyanka and sagan being adorable and loving…and CHRISTIAN with the tentacle and the queer BEATS!!!!!! to PILAR FOR BRINGING ME…………a night that i will hold with love, gratitude, and honestly makes me tear up thinking about the community that embraced me that night…thank you. each and every one of you.

thankfully, gratefully, lovingly

-jules

here are pics from the great experience

ME AND KATHY!!! THE GENIUS BEHIND THE STORY!

ME AND SAGAN!!! amazing actxr, even more amazing human!