new journal new me

over the course of my life, i have lost count of the number of books i would start writing in, with aspirations of starting a journal. i don't know what holds me back from writing daily, perhaps i am ashamed in part of my thoughts, perhaps it is so i have something to attribute my discontent on, but perhaps it's simply because i can so easily forget that my thoughts feelings and opinions are worth addressing, fleshing out, and sharing - even to myself.

a old corporate boss once suggested mind mapping to me, and even though she was definitely a bit questionable herself (she was one of those white women who thinks it's okay to have dread locks because they studied humanities in college), her suggestion stuck with me, and surprisingly - mind mapping has proven to be helpful to visualize the thoughts, separate the feelings and facts, and analyze myself from a vantage point outside of my head. i think maybe rather than considering it "journaling" it'll help me to think of it as mapping out my thoughts to see where and what i want to be doing/heading.

depression has seeped into every possible crack that it could. with all the recent events that have transpired, i am trying to minimize any potential damage that i can cause by receding within myself.

misery loves company, and i know that it's already hard enough to fight off your own demons, much less help others fight off theirs.

the frustrating part of this is that i can't put a timeline on when i will feel mentally secure enough to re-enter spaces that i once felt were safe.

trauma is interesting. it does not work in linear ways, and if gone un-addressed, it has potential to fester and morph into sometimes unrecognizable effects.

personally, i never thought i was very important in the grand scheme of things.

the world of limitless possibility was always an overwhelming concept - the idea of endless choices making it hard to commit my finite life to a singular career, locking in my preferences to singular things. the dynamic nature of being human was always in the back of my mind, and so i never had a FAVORITE color, because all the colors were pretty, i didn't want to choose a favorite bc if i thought that if one day i no longer liked that color, or got tired of it - that'd have made me a fraud. i never had a favorite food because i enjoyed more than just one thing.

i've grown up since and can proudly list things that i do prefer and find joy in. preferences are what differentiate us, and also foster connection between us.