letting go, letting grow

i keep making foolish mistakes, but some of them are necessary for me to realize all my unnoticed areas of growth. like small details that might make the world of difference to someone on the receiving end.

in my haste to try and get more comfortable, find my footing ..

some things that i create, i don't realize impact and hold a lot of the feelings i can and need to let go of.

i sometimes don't realize how much i'm carrying,

some of it not even mine to hold.

gripping grudges that i didn't form.

this mentality is one that deterred me time and time again from choosing for myself,

and making a choice based on someone else's pride and ego.

i wish i was talking about a singular instance,

but i know this has been my button mash routine,

for a little too long for my liking.

in my haste to connect, in my eagerness, i will plow forward - still growing into my horns.

(haha aries jokes)

i haven't been writing because i've been trying to do what needs to get done,

but that also means i haven't been doing much thinking or processing either.

i oscillate between communicating too much and also too little.

i know that everything is grey, lukewarm - because extremes aren't comfortable on either end.

o-o-o

hate is a strong word.

i think that hate is hurt that festers for too long without being addressed.

and that tending to the hate that may still lurk is important in slowly soothing the ache.

the pain of existing,

of our lot in this life,

of the mistakes we made and harm we caused,

of the love and support we continually rejected.

the moments we chose someone else,

at the expense of ourself

and regret it.

i am tired of gripping the grief,

the jagged, jaded edges cutting into my palm.

i am letting it go,

or more precisely, doing my best to loosen my grip, slowly but surely.

learning to love the obstacles,

live for the challenges.

continue striving for and to do better.

taking deeper, measured breaths,

remembering that it's not about the speed but the pace.

one foot at a time.