learning how to breathe again

recently i was introduced to a new team of coworkers, and in doing so, i had to reiterate a short summary of things that i feel are relevant when getting to know me, or when first meeting me.

for some reason, i mentioned my dad being dead to one of the people, and her reaction to this information, regarding a total stranger, actually reminded me that it's okay to not be okay. and like, maybe that's kind of one of those "duh, of course it's okay" and i know i know we're still living through a pandemic, and we exist in a late-stage capitalist, imperialist, colonial society. so it's okay to not be okay.

it's okay for everything to sometimes be a little overwhelming.

sometimes i feel like there's something wrong with me for not being able to just face it all. to just accept the fact that we live in a world where some people are free to exist, with access to whatever their heart desires, while others are born into destitution, born into the cruxes of the margins. sometimes the bleakness of the fact that while many are waking up to the beauty and possibility of abolition, the change that i know is possible is most probably not going to occur within our lifetimes (though i still am cautious of what happens after the union sq clock hits 0).

i have realized that i have not taken the proper amount of time to sit with myself. to really unpack, in a visceral, measurable way, where i've been and what informs my understanding, and what has led me to where i am - with the intention of better understanding the person that i exist as today.

there are so many facets, experiences, influences throughout my life, that have shaped the way i see myself, and how i feel the world sees me. the irony in this is that the entire time i studied these topics, i never humanized myself or my existence enough to fully or properly apply this knowledge inward. (ahaha imposter syndrome is a trip aha)

i feel as though if i do not understand myself, my dreams and goals and aspirations, my history and what led me here, then how can i expect anyone else to?

on the back burner, i've wanted to write a book, not for the sake of clout or fame, but rather as a memorialization of the places iv'e been, the things i've done, and the lessons i've learned up until now.

it's not because i think that i am anyone special either, just another person trying to make sense of this life. but in meeting new people, i find it interesting to try and piece together a narrative that i have not yet fully understood or processed.

i'm going to start in a separate post, they will be part of a series, and i am going to write everyday, even if i only write a sentence, i will write everyday, because i am tired of not being able to stick to a routine. i know that i am capable, i just have to hold myself to it.

i'm also going to stop being so self-conscious about what i have to share. this is my space and i can say what i need to here. the age of social media and the feeling of being surveilled has left me very wary of all technological spaces. though typing is one of the most cathartic acts for me (aside from writing, but that inevitably hurts my wrist)

here's to what we discover!

peace and radical love

jules