laying to rest my resentment and regret

resentment, according to google is multi-layered (as most feelings are) emotion comprised of disappointment, disgust and anger. another definition is "bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly"

when i was growing up, my parents often told me to look things up when i had questions that they had no answers to, but this was before the computer was widely utilized (we had computer privileges only sometimes, and we were often monitored because the internet was 'not to be trusted') so i would go to the dictionary or encyclopedias (we had micro and macro and they were larger tomes than i could navigate comfortably). this lead me to having a very astute handle on definitions of words (the navy american dictionary still sits in my mother's house) and even being dubbed dictionary by the classmates i would assist in crafting words.

was it dehumanizing or endearing to have a purpose in a space? did people see me as a person or a resource?

yesterday my good friend accompanied me to my mother's to help me pick up some things that i need for this week (i'm officially changing my name!) and on our way back to my apartment i was explaining to her that it's incredibly hard for me because i lose track of where past ends and present begins. they said that it seems like my mother really loves me which i have always known that she does which was why i did my best to play the role of the "dutiful daughter" that i felt she wanted me to be but knew i never would fulfill despite the fact that her love growing up was so harmful, seeped in resentment and anger (at our differences, at her own lack of understanding, at her own inability to process her negative emotions on her own time and instead projecting them back onto us). but that's the past her, that's a her she has the privilege of not remembering, and no longer carrying with her because her memory is fading because she is fading and now she is simply a lonely old widow in a house too big for one person.

at this org i worked at for a little while, one of the values is "both, and", the existence of multiple truths. holding of all the realities that exist, respecting multiple existences, harmony.

how do i find the harmony within this dissonance and disconnect?

not to mention that it is hard to feel worthy of this good friend's love. i haven't been the kindest to him; i have been inconsistent, and sharp, i have been dysregulated and condescending, i have held them to impossible standards because of my own inability to be honest with myself and look within before doing or saying. she deserves to be handled with care like everyone does and i think i've been doing a better job lately but i can't be the judge of my impact only my intent.

this week, during my therapy session, i finally cried freely with her when talking about my past. we sat together and she rode the wave with me as i crossed my arms over my chest and patted my shoulders and cried for the little Jules that thought they were all alone even though they had a sister they'd asked for but didn't know how to love till now.

even now, i'm crying alone in my room at nearly 2am as my sister slumbers across the hall and i can't help but think about how lucky i am that one of my "problems" is that there are so many people i want to love in this lifetime and am still seeking out the balance of how to show up for them in the ways they deserve and the ways i want to.

how do you prioritize the people you love? based on reciprocity? based on how they show up for you, or how they show up for others?

i saw a Sister for the first time in a long time two days ago. it was so so so beautiful and wonderful to share a space with her after not having had the opportunity. i didn't want to overwhelm her with my excitement at her presence, or inundate her with my energy because that has not necessarily been the ideal or well-received approach as of late. *self control* she later posted on instagram her recent thoughts and feelings and i was reminded of whose writing style freed my words because i also think in the singular seemingly disjointed thoughts that make sense in my mind but not to others if they do not know me well if they are logical processors and not primarily feelers.

what is too much? how do i know when and where? if i am always living in survival mode, how do i ground myself in the safety of tomorrow to come?

i am going to sleep now because it is almost actually 2am and i have to be up soon so i can start my week off right which means doing all the routines that keep me grounded and keep me going and help progress me and my loved ones forward and i am grateful for this life and i am grateful for every trial and tribulation that led me here and led me to so so so much more love than i ever thought imaginable and now i am learning how to accept and embrace.

i am not a vacuum. i am not a black hole (a nickname from my uncle because of how much i used to eat, to be unpacked another eve).

i am a tree, perhaps a sapling right now, but a tree nonetheless. my bark is thick and tough and it has kept me safe, i have layers, and roots that cannot be seen nor can they be felled. i don't know what tree yet, i'd love to be a willow, but i know that i am a tree.

thank you for reading. thank you for holding these parts of me i don't want to hold alone.