june 24th - reflecting on 23 years

lately i've been feeling like bojack in his "stupid piece of shit" episode where we get to see into his inner monologue which is mostly just self-hatred in the form of a crudely drawn version of himself which feeds into most of his self-destructive behavior

on the solstice i was visited by a ghost i thought i'd never hear from, and then i visited her, and it wasn't at all what i thought it'd be, but also exactly how i'd imagined it? i think what disappointed me most about seeing her was that the romanticized version of her that i had in my head was proven wrong. it also made me really question how much i respect myself, because it was all super abrupt and i made her a priority despite 2 years of silence. i think it was necessary to understand why some parts of the past stay there, while others are important to hold onto.

on the 23rd, my sister came for an impromptu visit and saw my thoughtless desecration of the sanctuary they'd built at home. due to my lack of direct and detailed communication with them (there was miscommunication), I had made like a hermit crab and bee-lined into a bigger available space.

their reaction was explosive, well-deserved, and knocked me back to the bottom of the barrel i am so familiar with (not to be dramatic, but this week's been a trip.). it brought to the surface where all the trauma stems from, and the sorely unhealed/unaddressed wound that is oozing, infected, and affecting all my relationships and interactions. my dead dad.

guilt, anger, and shame are three feelings/emotions that i am still learning how to make peace with. i think until recently, i had this idea that at least if the world was a better place with me here, then my existence was worthwhile and it was okay that i was alive and he isn't (survivors guilt is heavy). sadly, that's not how it works. there is no point in trying to compare reality with a hypothetical, theoretical dimension that we do not have access to, so why am i beating myself up continuously over the things i cannot change, and not instead do everything i can to make my present reality as enjoyable and meaningful as possible.

it's embarrassing to be so late to the self improvement game. the active, consistent, life-long unlearning of all our worst tendencies and ways of thinking and insecurities. and i am also learning how to be gentle with myself. learning how to not project my own feelings of inadequacy onto those around me because of my perceived idea of what people think of me is something i'm figuring out as well, as someone unaccustomed to large, groups/an actual community founded on the basis of love, respect, and the shared belief that a better, more equitable world is possible while centering the liberation and safety for black trans and black queer folk.

i meant to post this earlier but here we are.

i don't believe in just apologies or amends, only changed, consistent behavior.

thank u for reading. hope this finds u well. feel free to engage if anything shared resonates or something

many blessings