june 12th i was pulled under

you know that scene in greys anatomy, where meredith falls into the water and then stops fighting it? and then everyone in limbo presses her because she wont admit that she gave in?

that's what i've been feeling like this past year, and i want to blame it on all of the people who've left,

on all of the people who've left their mark,

on all of the marks i've left.

i don't know what to do with the past, as it pulls me under.

i don't know how to let go of what i thought kept me afloat.

i don't know where to store the boxes full of the experiences that have shaped me into the person i am today.

and i don't know how much any of it matters.

it matters to me, because i am struggling to piece together the person that i am beneath what society tried to shove down my throat. i am trying to find the patterns in myself that i am proud of, and can claim without shame.

i want to feel like i belong in spaces.

i want to feel like i deserve to hold space.

i want to feel that i am worthy of love.

i want to love myself.

i want to love the person i am.

i want to become the kind of person i love.

i will learn. am in the process of learning.

i don't know who these declarations are for, i think i'm going to take a hiatus from everything and everyone.

to withdraw and recede inward so that i can properly figure out what's going on up there without any external distractions or new things to have to worry about processing.

i feel like i've caved inwards, and regressed, so in order to address that, i must introspect and analyze like i've wanted to and haven't made time for in the past year.