TECHNICALLY july 6th

^ because it isn't really the next day till you go the fuck to sleep

here's the thing about writing in my blog, the reason it started was because i could no longer contact the person i used to just send long emails and random texts with my unfiltered, uncut thoughts that would cross my mind.

once i started sharing it with people, i became more self conscious at the fact that i was openly sharing my thoughts, and then worried about the correctness or potential of harming people unintentionally by my words or view on things or literally just existence i guess.

that's silly of me. this is quite literally a space that i curated for myself, to express myself, in the way that i can most comfortably.

today at js for a comrade (i still dont want incriminating info in this space lmfao), i queued (lol being aux is so much pressure because of my fear of being judged for my music taste? i think this stems from my parents critiquing the kind of music i listened to, and by parents i mean dad and by dad i mean he definitely talked a lot of shit about the music i'd listen to, but also the volume at which i listened? and projected that "he didnt want to hear that" or to "stop singing because no one wants to hear that" and then i wonder why i'm so afraid to take up space, and that one of the only spaces in which i felt comfortable singing were synagogue because it was in a group and yeah. see that's the thing too, my natural stream of consciousness always rationalizes or will source back where things stem from, even moreso now that i'm analyzing how my actions or ways of viewing the world and myself have always been deeply impacted by the experiences that i've lived through and not necessarily processed in their entirety.) ANYWAY it was "hum hallelujah" by fall out boy and there's a line that i've always loved that goes "i can write it better than i've ever felt it" and it was the first time i'd listened to that song in a while and it really just stuck with me and also it's a result of learning how to process and convey thoughts through papers bc of formal education and also my best friend in middle school and i who had a notebook we passed back and forth and that's how we would communicate throughout the day. it's fun tracing the map back to where things stem from but also its important to not get lost in that.

i've considered writing a book but i think i would have to have a very clear and specific goal in mind to be able to stay on some sort of task. Every time I try and write about my life, even something as seemingly insignificant as recounting a song, turned into a little windy path. I get distracted easily what can I say?

it's 2:10 am so i think it's time to wrap this up. very short. but essentially the point i'd initially wanted to make was that learning how to exist as a mindful human in our existence is HARD and tough and having been in so many different spaces i've maintained different selves because i always acclimated myself to better fit my space, instead of trying to change the environment around me to better serve my needs and respect my boundaries. this is something i just put together recently-ish, but the interesting division between aspects of my identity and never having it coalesced into one singular space is finally catching up to me and i try and figure out what makes me me. who am i really? and what do i stand for.

food for thought. time to get up my butt's asleep. i do some of my best blog writing on the toilet lol.

over and out. till next time. thanks for tuning in. here's my latest podcast:

https://anchor.fm/transcend_self/episodes/a-crunchy-10-minutes-e13ugk8