international nonbinary peoples day - reflections

for me, realizing i was a non-binary individual was the first step to liberating myself from the expectations and standards that i always felt trapped by.

not allowing my existence to be defined by anyone else's idea of what a "man" or a "woman" was. not allowing the construct of gender to inhibit how i chose to present and take up space.

my dad was a boomer, and so is my mom. they were born in 1954 which is relevant because they are a large source of where my body dysmorphia/dysphoria stems from - not to point fingers, rather to unpack one of those heavy boxes i thought i'd already gone through, and provide context to what specific age-group they identify with.

i grew up hearing about how i should put pants on and how it was "indecent" to walk around with so much skin exposed because there was a man in the house. while i knew it was a result of the generational difference, i didn't realize that there was still a part of me that held onto their critiques, their criticisms, the subtle ways in which these comments molded how i feel, subconsciously, about myself and my body.

my father struggled saying the kind things, the loving things, the uplifting comments that would have fostered a glowing self confidence.

i grew up thinking that because i didn't vehemently hate my body, or have any strong feelings for or against my body, that i was fine and that our (my body and my) relationship was fine, but over 2 decades later, i finally realized that it wasn't so much that i simply didn't acknowledge that my body was mine. i didn't claim it, because it never felt like it would be the body i wanted, and i didn't acknowledge it so i wouldn't have to think about it (i avoided mirrors for twenty years and thought that was REGULAR - tbh i just thought i was the opposite of vain)

at 23, i finally came to terms with the fact that i've been terrified of existing for most of my time here, and that's largely what's held me back from embodying my authentic self or authentic life.

further exploring and better understanding my non-binary identity also helps with the unlearning process. one of the more pervasive aspects of capitalism and yt supremacy is the construction of the binary. the emphasis of the two polarized ends of a spectrum, and framing the idea that there can be only one or the other, but never both - with total erasure of the continuum that lies between.

i feel so repetitive, continually looping back to where i began and the aspects that shaped me and the culture that molded me and the experiences that either upheld the socialized ideas of how to perceive this world and how to better appease the gaze of everyone else other than myself.

discovering and navigating being non-binary has allowed me to decide what makes me feel most comfortable, what makes me feel beautiful. what makes me feel the most me.

this has been a process, as how i feel about myself has always been very rooted in what i think others feel about me, which is a terrible way of thinking - and something that i realize i picked up from the home as well (my mother's favorite line "what would the neighbors think?"). i don't give a f*ck. i'm so tired of living for other people, trying to meet other people's expectations, and i'm tired of living in fear of the judgement of others.

i am beautifully human. i am glittering and gorgeous as i am, and how i choose to exist (as long as no harm is intentionally inflicted on those around me). this is an affirmation for me, but i hope that you too feel this way.

love light peace hope