insanity vs clarity

the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

i have spent most of my life letting opportunities slip by me.

that's not to rag on myself, just shift perspective and acknowledge how i've missed many blessings that i've been offered, and promise myself that those times are in the past.

the other night, my lil sib had a bit of a breakdown because they got so fed up with the amount of slack they were picking up, from myself and their partner. it was painful to receive because they were more than justified in being fed up.

it's hard to hear firsthand all the negative impacts you and your thoughtless actions have had on someone you claim to love. it's tough to sit through them trying their best to share their pain in non-equally harm inflicting ways.

i'm learning that's what love is.

love is an action. love is a verb.

it is not simply a feeling that you experience out of nowhere.

i haven't loved myself properly for the majority of my life.

i haven't put the time or effort or care or consideration into the actions that would directly benefit me.

part of me knows it was me trying to prove my father wrong.

every time he threw the words spoiled or selfish at me.

i internalized this idea that if i poured my all into taking care of everyone else,

strangers, friends, lovers,

that it would mean i wasn't selfish.

what made me selfish was my lack of consideration of his efforts to build a life for me.

what made me spoiled was my disillusionment that we were well off because i didn't respect his attempts at disciplining me.

it's hard to only be able to unpack these things post-mortem.

the anniversary of him leaving this plane is coming up,

and i can confidently say that this year i am more proud of myself.

i'm a slow learner, but i'm finally embracing my given and chosen family.

i love my sister. i'm embarrassed it took me so long, and grateful that they have given me countless chances (no literally, i think they've lost track too at this point).

i love my mother, i'm also a little ashamed it's taken me this long to embrace those feelings.

yesterday, my mom came with me to a museum exhibition opening.

we got to hear some amazing and powerful speakers share about their Live Pridefully installation,

curated by the Caribbean Equality Project.

it made me really happy that she came along with me,

because it's always been a bit of a struggle getting her to understand,

the different world that non-white individuals traverse.

she is getting there.

i have a really great supervisor,

she's shared her tools to success with me,

and i have not done much to apply them.

it's disappointing, for myself,

to acknowledge my shortcomings and realize that i have always been the architect of my own demise.

now that i know i have the tools, the support, and the courage to live authentically,

and fully come into the person that i am discovering i am,

i have faith and hope in tomorrow.