I Have Feared Taking Up Too Much Space

For both of my blogs, the number of posts that sit in drafts, far outnumbers the number of posts that are published. Reflecting on this now, I realize that it is because I was afraid to share what I had to say. I was afraid that my words, my thoughts, my feelings took up too much space.

This is a mindset. It is a result of my experiences both publically and personally that shaped my understanding of how the world receives and perceives me.

As a femme-presenting individual for the vast majority of my life, the world at large has ALWAYS thought it okay to physically touch me. Strangers passing through crowds, coworkers moving by me, drunk friends touching my leg.

This body has been taught that whether or not I want, it will be touched. Without warning, without question.

A hand to the lower back. A hand to the shoulder. The breath of someone towering over and not acknowledging the ENTIRE HUMAN that they are infringing on.

My personal space was never my own, in subways, on streets, in school. At protests. At gatherings.

We learn the bare minimum of "consent" in school. We learn about how to put a condom on, we learn how to identify STDs, we learn about the "miracle of life", but do we learn how to have the uncomfortable conversations? The foreign talks of what these bodies do, and how they should be approached? Do we have the discussions, on the importance of VERBAL consent and open communication? Do we teach our children how to have the conversations that we refer to? Do we show them what they look like, and how if raised in less than healthy spaces, it will be foreign and new? Do we learn that communication and consent should not only be in regards to sex but everything that we navigate?

I am not justifying my transgressions, only reflecting on how I got here, and how I am certain I am not the only person here

I am not excusing my offense, only following the path back to why it was able to happen.

And I do not owe anyone any explanations, but I want to unabashedly share my truth for anyone who wishes to see.

I have been hesitant in analyzing all the spaces I've frequented, because there is the part of me that knows I will somewhere along the line offend someone. But if they do not bring it to my attention, I will not know, and therefore it is not my problem.

I am not here to please anyone other than myself.

I am here to share what I have to say, what I have to think, and voice the things I cannot with my vocal cords (though my podcast do be poppin')