how do you measure a year?

i took this photo of my wristband after my first endoscopy this past tuesday.

[wild! but also comforting to know that doing the Serious things is getting less scary, because I had the reassurance of my sister coming to meet me afterward]

it was humbling to look at my age, 25. i was talking to a sibling about how we couldn't imagine making it this old.

i didn't have a plan, and didn't have expectations for myself. it was a little melancholy - because the realization i haven't necessarily spent my time as intentionally as i could have was a little disappointing. there's so much i want to do, some of it realistic and others, perhaps a little more, wishful - while also being incredibly freeing. to not have had any expectations of my future self by this point in my life, meant that i am not disappointing my past me in any way! while it is admittedly a little sad to consider how my younger me couldn't fathom life beyond taking it day by day, i'm grateful that the shifting of perspective monumentally helps to shift some of the less positive feelings. we get to decide whether or not we're glass half empty, glass half full, glass has liquid kind of people.

i spoke to some queer elders in reference to a conversation we'd had a couple weeks ago. the original conversation was about whether or not the spaces shaped like people who are no longer in our lives will heal and the collective answer was no, at least for them.

that we will still think of the people who we no longer walk alongside, when we see something that we know they love, when we hear a song we discovered or shared with them, that there will always be a them-shaped space on our hearts. he often likes to remind me that i'm still young and i have a lot of time to learn, love, and lose, but i don't want to continue losing (though learning and loving for sure).

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it was your birthday the other day.

i like to imagine that you're thriving, because you don't dwell - that you're flourishing, despite the harder parts, that you're making the most with the hand that you're dealt, and doing what you can to change what you're able to, because that's the kind of person you are. these thoughts and hopes makes my heart lighter and thoughts brighter.

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i believe there can be a road to repair. i want there to be a road to repair.

i hope that i'm brave enough to blaze the way.

i finally got to the part in all about love about forgiveness, and some of my favorite quotes are as follows:

"forgiveness is an act of generosity."

"by forgiving we clear a path on the way to love. it is a gesture of respect.

"true forgiveness requires that we understand the negative actions of another."

it isn't until recently that it really hit me how harshly i hold myself when i commit harm, and how i am still learning how to hold the feelings that arise. i've been watching videos on shame and accountability, with some brilliant advocates and advocates of disability, transformative, and restorative justice. they bring up how often times when held accountable for harm; it is instinctive to turn inward, to become hyper focused on Self due to feelings of guilt, embarrassment and fear of losing our belonging in a space.

i have noticed that my processing process has improved greatly over the past few years, definitely gotten less intense [three years ago i shaved my head in shame after learning that i had deeply misunderstood a situation and caused harm and then shame spiraled for weeks] which i attribute to the support of my beloved community of chosen family and friends who both hold me gently accountable and support me.

"when we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape"

this one resonated very heavily. since moving into my own space, people like to ask how i like living alone and i think that the answer is that as with all things it has pros and cons. pros are the privacy and quiet (getting to walk around naked to your hearts content), the feeling of security knowing that everything will be as you left it in all the spaces (hopefully, of course). the cons definitely include not having another being present, both for the socialization aspect and also the splitting costs and care for the space aspect.

while i have had some contemplations about whether or not i made the Best choice, i am proud of myself for making A Choice, and one with my growth and development in mind. i think that it was necessary for me to truly learn self-responsibility through making this move and living on my own. what better exercise to learn how to be responsible than to take on all the responsibility for myself?

i've been picking up guitar again, though at first i had to do some much needed crying because it's my dad's and i wish we learned together how to teach me patience and discipline because now he's gone and i'm not and neither is the grief but instead of grief i grip the gratitude of holding my sister's hand and picking up food for them because they asked and finally being the older sibling they deserved but didn't get till years later and dad, i know you'd be really proud of how much i've really truly grown and finally learned how to love rachel. it was a slow process and took you leaving for good, and then some - but it's finally happened. i'm also learning how to forgive myself (if i can forgive myself, i'll be able to forgive mom, hopefully - that one's gonna take some time) with compassion and grace. with mercy and understanding. i'm teaching kids how to have healthy relationships and communicate, and learning a lot along the way. i'm learning about the things that interest me, and getting to know what i like and don't like. i'm grounding myself and spending time with the people i love, and taking it easy (but not allowing for the continued passivity and procrastination).

here's to everyday being a chance to try something new and reminding myself; silenzio bruno.