hamster in a wheel

it's fascinating to both actively and passively exist in various environments.

i find myself frozen in that limbo space,

between present and past,

the pensive place.

there is no linear beginning,

no checkpoint to return back to,

no way to revisit, revise.

there is only forward,

onward with the weight of the lessons,

the price of experience.

o-o-o

my little sibling called my current journey my redemption arc,

it's funny because in the game we play (hollow knight), when you die your ghost stays behind,

in order to retrieve the money you'd collected previously, you have to battle your ghost.

this is a similar theme to scott pilgrim,

and the trope is that you are your own enemy,

so the best tactic is to learn from your mistakes.

i think trying to figure out what my mistakes are,

and why i make them,

has been the trickier part for me.

the me who learned how to exist through texts and fragmented thoughts,

strung together by the feeble connection of them all coming from me.

i am discovering that Self comes from the careful consideration,

the cautious composition,

of words that will as accurately and directly convey my intent,

and communicate as much of my message as i can.

o-o-o

lately i have been wondering if i am capable of forgiving myself,

if i can find peace within myself,

for that which i cannot change.

for the choices i made, doing the best i could with what i had at the time.

o-o-o

this wednesday i was calling my local CVS pharmacy to check in my T prescription and was very disappointed and hurt to be hung up on multiple times. (the first time was after i asked about my specific medications, and then following they didn't let me speak, just hung up straightaway). i don't know if it was due to my testosterone and valacyclovir scripts (stigma and prejudice) or perhaps it was simply them being overworked and not wanting to deal with disgruntled customers over the phone? either way - this interaction was very off-putting and sparked intrusive and unwelcome thoughts surrounding being on HRT, embracing My trans-ness (medically transitioning), and all the related tangentional thoughts.

it took me quite a bit to consider starting hormone replacement therapy, as there was plenty internalized transphobia (and still is residual, which makes itself known when i least expect it).

i often would ask myself when i was trying to navigate,

what is it about myself that i am not comfortable with?

everything works fine, as nature intended.

i am able-bodied, functional, and beautiful.

why am i not happy with the skin i'm in?

i ask myself, whenever i think about top surgery,

whether i am doing this for other people's sake or my own.

is it that i am uncomfortable with this vessel,

or is it that i am uncomfortable with the way i know the external world perceives my vessel?

to further clarify that,

am i uncomfortable with how i think others perceive my body because i know that's how i would perceive my body from a third party?

and that just leaves my brain kind of contortioned into a spiral shape because is it the chicken or the egg and are either relevant when it's a matter of my present and future selves and feeling the most at home in the body i've been blessed with?

this isn't the first time i've explored these thoughts and i'm sure it won't be the last.

again, it's easy to feel like an untethered balloon that bobs along with every passing breeze.

i started reading the mindfulness survival kit again,

because i know that i'm more than a balloon,

i'm also the wind that guides the balloon,

and the clouds that keep the balloon company.

i am more than i give myself credit for,

and i am more than i've ever been before.

i have never been too much,

i have always been just the right amount, sharing myself with the wrong spaces.

o-o-o

on the subway to work today,

i was thinking about how while code-switching has become fairly normalized,

rather than code-switching, i learned how to be a chameleon.

instead of simply changing how i communicate in a specific environment,

i would utilize my empathy and optimize myself to fit that space.

i built out different versions of myself to fit the different worlds that i exist,

rather than trying to disrupt the worlds to accept my whole self.

i don't say this with resentment (anymore), but in observation and acknowledgement of my past lives and past selves and what i did to try and feel the most comfortable in the ways i knew how.

lately my sister and i have been talking about the past more,

not to hold it against me but to point out the motif of me.

my reflexive actions that have sufficiently held me back from progressing in the directions i desire.

it's hard because i can't help but think about how different life-

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS PRESENT MOMENT.

i am grateful for my little sibling. i am grateful for the opportunity to have a redemption arc.

i am grateful for my ability to embrace who i am.

gratitude is healing.

this year i'm going to start my book, and find the ways to express myself that help build my soul.

may we meet again was what i put on my graduation cap, and i think it's how i'll start signing off of things.

with love and gratitude, may we meet again.