Faithfully. Fate. Finally.

After two years spent in limbo, in a freezer below some school that forgot he was there, or rather, didnt even know because he was that inconsequential to them, we laid our father to rest. The hole was big, since he was a pretty large guy. It took over 35 minutes for us to bury him, mostly Yi Run and I. At one point my uncle stopped and was like ‘I did my part’ and put the shovel back into the mound. Yi Run and I were determined and we finished burying him ourselves - towards the end I was pushing dirt from further away towards them because teamwork and after the Rabbi finessed it, I handed her the placard to place.

He didnt want to be buried, he had made that pretty clear when he was alive. He would say things about how he didnt want to be trapped six feet under, how he wanted to be cremated and spread somewhere. I think it makes sense, life had already buried him, suffocated him, and it wasn’t till later that he started tending to his inner child.

My mom also talks about post-Mortum things a lot, like how the reason it meant so much was that they be buried together in the same plot. I think this reflects her not wanting to be alone. Being alone doesn’t scare me as much as feeling alone does.

I’d rather be alone than feel alone, and that’s kind of where I am in life. I just want to feel understood, and valued, and cared for by someone. I want to be someone’s someone. Someone’s favorite person. Not anyones, I learned that lesson, finally. It takes a special someone to make me want to be something to someone, because so often I run from the prospect of being relied upon. It’s part of why I have receded inward a bit and started learning how to be self reliant instead of self sabotaging.

I digress, I’m feeling a bit tender because my heart ran amok again, running towards the warm rays of a radiant soul, and expanding to create the space to hold the grief, the loss, the magnitude of the nonstop cycles.

I am sad because reality is not what envisioned, AND perhaps this is one of those things that is for a reason. I can hope, and continue to hope. I will not turn bitter, I will not let jealousy or insecurity cloud my vision any longer. I will not let fear be a guiding factor.

Today I was brave. Today I spoke up, and used my voice. I may not have always had the answer that was being looked for, but I shared what I had to say. I spoke up in the defense of someone I respect and admire, and in defense of myself and my existence in a space. Today was a powerful day.

I am proud of myself, and hopeful for the future. I am grateful for today, and excited for tomorrow.

Warm tidings and safe travels, friend.