ethnography of my experiences

i was wrong when i said that all i had was words.

i have actions as well as thoughts and feelings.

the words are a tool,

a means to communicate, convey, share,

the swirling universe contained within these slowly decaying meat suits.

i should stop discrediting and dehumanizing my existence.

my natural culmination of experience,

which is simply a side effect,

of this lifetime.

after my recent sexual experience, i think i finally unlocked and was reminded of the spectrum of harm inflicted by toxic masculinity and the pervasive patriarchy.

i met them off grindr,

they're dominican and part of the dead dad club.

i liked the way their dick looked,

and their scrawny frame was not as intimidating,

and that's just the catch.

for the very reasons i felt Comfortable around them.

i am sure they were scorned, mistreated, and abused within their community and formative spaces.

it wasn't until they felt me give in,

stop fighting and accept the assertion of dominance - that they came.

i am sure they felt that it was no longer enjoyable for me,

i was non-verbally conveying that i did not want to have my hands held behind me.

face down ass up is cool to sing about

until you are pinned down by someone larger,

someone stronger.

someone who could definitely take advantage of the situation and do much more harm.

while i don't think i was sexually assaulted, it definitely felt a little non-consensual.

and i felt a kinship with my AFAB heterosexual and sex-working siblings.

the fear and caution they are forced to navigate all interactions with,

because they Know that they are at a physical disadvantage.

i also felt sad for them, y'know?

that it's through dominating others that they feel the greatest pleasure.

because that's what their experiences taught them,

that's what their experiences instilled in them,

taught them about themself,

taught them how the world would treat them.

i went on my typical little anti-gender roles, anti-capitalism rant before we fucked.

and they picked up on the "femininity gets you in trouble" aspect,

which could have been my red flag - but ya boi has needs too.

that's the thing about testosterone:

it makes you horny for penetrative sex, because those are the sexual organs you have if you are pre-op,

which at least for me is very confusing and does not help with the body dysphoria/dysmorphia.

i am praised for a body i didn't want.

i am deemed attractive for the parts that made me feel dirty for existing.

i have perceived value because i am "desirable".

people are transparent if you're looking hard enough.

the world is navigable matrix if you've been around enough.

i am going to call callen lorde's case management today about top surgery.

i am terrified and exhilarated and scared and excited and all of the things at once.

my inner child's wildest dreams.