don't dwell

dwelling dawdling,

dragging my feet.

all i want to do is walk to the beat,

of my own heart.

i can't hear it,

but i can feel it.

thump. thump.

thump.

thump thump.

thump.

the most consistent part of me.

even my legs are imbalanced.

(i broke my growth plate in 6th grade)

follow your breath. every mindfulness practice.

focus on your breath,

what about when

i can't breathe?

george floyd.

where did the momentum go?

moment go.

going going gone.

three years, just like that. a blink of an eye.

a lifetime or two flew by.

who am i?

a lifetime avoiding mirrors,

now i stare,

reflections. reflected. reflect.

expectation is the root of all heartache,

did you expect something from me?

changed behavior is the best apology.

hypocrisy. irony. iron-clad will.

i was a simple man.

i am a simple (hu)man.

my superpower is making anywhere i go,

feel like home.

welcome.

welcome in.

i see you. you matter. i care.

hesitance. reticence. resistance.

you deserve more than i have to offer right now,

and i can't afford to be distracted,

i have people to take care of,

family who is depending on me,

it's time to pay my duze.

Huang Duze.

taking back my life, reclaiming the parts of me i thought i could never get back.

names hold power.

i held 3.

so were there three of me,

or three times the power.

who was i?

doesn't matter because i'm none of them now.

succinct. concise. self.

i'm a later bloomer. coming into myself, requires understanding self, requires discovery of "self"

will power. will the power. the will of my power.

my own gravity. my own grounding. my own.

my own apartment. my own life. my own responsibility.

responsible.

learning.

growing.

what works for others may not work for me.

so what will?

how do i figure it out?

i am asking all the questions i wish i did.

perhaps a beat later than better,

but at least now i know better

so i can do better,

right?

left.

so much easier to run,

but i can't hide..

it's gonna catch up to you someday,

she said to the wrong daughter,

little did she know,

her golden child gilded in lies,

is paying the price now.

finding the silver lining,

and facing the fires they started,

little by little,

breath by breath.

growing with the students,

looking at me to learn,

looking at me to lead,

taking what i had to learn the hard way,

and composting it into compassion and creation.

one persons trash is another persons treasure,

capitalist mantra,

or beautiful reframation of reality,

does it matter if it gets us through?

the day the week the month the year.

metrics matter.