"do you even sleep?" -baby j

i write most comfortably at what most people would consider unorthodox hours,

right now it's 3:30am, not that anyone asked; but it's the quietest time,

all i can hear is the distant sounds of cars passing on the BQE,

and all that matters is writing my thoughts into existence.

today i found out that my approach to engaging with people,

feelings forward, feelings first,

can be overwhelming, intense, and intimidating.

a little embarrassing to admit, but it was what my mother taught me.

funnily enough,

what irked me most about her,

was the advice she would give me would be simplistic and direct,

nothing she herself would embody,

the blueprint of a hypocrite.

right now, life is in flux.

my sister and her partner are finding their own beautiful home to begin to build together,

and i am so so happy for them,

they deserve peace,

they deserve the tranquility i can only seem to obtain at 3am.

i feel as though i am at a crossroads.

how do you describe it when you have far too much,

yet not enough?

thinking of the future, thinking ahead, thinking of what's in store instead of what's already passed.

my childhood friends want to move to long island,

i am sad because that's not where i want to end up, so our paths will ultimately part,

and i am glad to know we can talk about our hopes and dreams for what's next,

long term and short term.

i am weighing my options,

i am thoughtfully considering the inevitable positives and negatives

that come with of each of my choices.

i am debating which dreams are reasonable, attainable, and realistic,

and how they work alongside my responsibilities.