decompressing. destressing. delving into the thick of it.

i recently listened to a spoken word poem

it was by a black jew named aaron samuels

when he performed,

it took me aback.

because he truly

performed.

i forget that art

does not need to conform

to anyone elses'

expectation

i forget that

i can call the ways i express myself

art

i forget

that i am just as human

as everyone i love

which also means

i am in need of the same things

i try and ensure for those around me.

my sister tells me i'm too nice

i still find it hard to believe

that there can be such a thing

as too nice

how can it be too nice to genuinely care

and want to help everyone who asks

to the best of my ability?

how can it be too nice,

to try and give back to a world that i was told to be grateful for?

but they're right,

in a way

they're right and it's getting easier to say that

embarrassing at first,

of course.

they too are a testament

that wisdom does not necessarily come with age

and though i am the older sibling

they are definitely wiser in many ways i have yet to learn.

i don't know how old i was,

when i decided i would give as much of myself as i could

to the rest of the world.

i was told, taught, lectured, reminded, berated,

that i should be grateful,

that i was lucky

that my life in an orphanage would be far worse in comparison.

it's hard you know,

to grapple with the dead dad stuff.

just because it gets further away,

doesn't make it feel any easier.

everyone who's met me since,

knows that i think about existence far too much.

losing a parent changes you,

in ways that only someone who has lost a parent can really understand,

but those adjacent can sense and see and feel if they are looking hard enough.

or maybe i'm just not coping well. or maybe i'm just not coping at all.

my blog no longer feels like a place in which i complain, or make proclamations, or talk about what i think and feel and want from others. right now i understand that it's a place for me to express what i need to release. to let go of what i keep pent up.

i hope that this inspires you to also share what you hold, what you bottle,

what you keep locked up tight because you think that holding it close,

compressing it tight enough will make it disappear…

just like your chest.

just like your shame.

just like your anguish and knowing the systems that shaped you,

the systems that molded you. the systems that informed you…

but compressing them does not end their existence,

it only causes a dull ache, a throb, and sometimes it leaves makes, breaks bones…

i am ready to make peace, to truly make peace with myself - and work together with myselves to build a life i can be happy and proud of living.

till next time my thoughts and feelings overflow. hopefully probably soon.