day one

i am writing from the luxurious comfort of what i'm thinking is probably a queen size bed because i think a king is a bit bigger but i also am unsure as it has been a while since i've been in either (i have a full and am quite content with it).

i am on a work retreat, which i was a bit trepidatious about but am really leaning into embracing. i think a large part of it is the guilt of these opportunities. knowing that people who work hard, earnestly, their whole lives, are often times not afforded these same freedoms. it is not my fault that these experiences are not more accessible, is something i stay reminding myself, because there is a difference between checking my privilege and beating myself up over it - which is still a balance i am working on working out within.

beyond this retreat, my life has been on the up and up, and i think this is an indicator of the growth, progress, and changes that have been happening all around.

i don't know if i should attribute my growth and progress to my joining boxing or perhaps my reconciliation and reconnection with my sister or perhaps my relocation to sunnyside or maybe the fellowship in general but the new lease i have on life, the new perspective and routines i've been exploring have truly made a world of impact on my day to day as well as my general lot. or maybe i can be a little self centered and attribute it to my visceral and tangible growth as an individual.

realizing that i am a worthy investment, and truly embodying that feeling has been life-changing.

6 months ago i couldn't do a push up, and now i can do 35.

o-o-o

of course there are definitely improvements that can and will be made, such as seeing a dentist, finding a reliable and trustworthy PCP. i keep dozing off so this was a short abridged update. i will continue this entry tomorrow.

i need to find a new PCP because my original one at callen lorde left. i want to see if i am a viable kidney donor for someone because they are in need and life is sacred. the ironic part is that the consistent theme is to establish reliable medical consultation because i also want to start the yeeting the teet process which i have heard takes quite a bit of time.

last month i wanted to "get serious" about dating which meant deleting all of my dating apps because i don't believe organic connections can emerge from a digital space…not to rag on anyone who's met really cool people from places like hinge (my toxic rebound ex was found via tinder so perhaps it's simply me having learned from my mistake). i also am not in any rush to jump towards or initiate anything prematurely, as my goals are to simply find people whose souls resonate and harmonize with mine, and then affirm whether it is a mutual connection, and thENN proceed from there. doing a rushed, botched, thoughtless job will only further waste my time and energy and every moment is precious.

i'd rather be alone and content with myself, than with another person who is draining my peace.

it's also kind of refreshing to revisit what it means for me to even consider dating since i'm still discovering what i want from another human being in conjunction with myself. what helps is definitely the reformation and further cultivation of my relationship with my sister and honorary brother. with both lower and higher stakes (we're roommates lmfao) than a potential partner, i am able to navigate what consistency feels like, and what direct communication of all of the things (not only good, not just bad, the entire spectrum of and between).

o-o-o

here is a recent anecdote that helped teach me more about myself.

on staying true to myself:

i had an event that i wanted to go to, and my friend expressed interest in going as well. i'd crashed at hers, since we'd celebrated her birthday the night before. understandably there was exhaustion from our prior festivities, but the event was a rally for abortion, and on multiple occasions i had expressed when the event began, what time i was willing to get there, what time i'd like to leave. despite voicing these, no efforts were made to adjust to my desires, on either part. i did not choose to leave my friend, nor did my friend attempt to hurry up till we were later than i'd wanted to go - and it was only after some very solid 'i am going to leave now, if you're coming with me you should come' actions on my part.

the entire time getting to the location the event (rally then march) was supposed to have begun, vibes were a bit tense between us, at least from my perspective. i couldn't squash the internal annoyance i'd had because the me now (the me that stayed in my toxic relationship did not vocalize things, they stayed silent often, despite what they might have wanted), was not afraid to share their wants and needs with those around them. i did my best to help mitigate the tension, by assuring myself that i couldn't blame my friend for being late - if it had meant so much to me to get to where we were going on time, i could have left by myself sooner. i had chosen to prioritize not leaving her behind, and that was a choice i had made, and needed to resolutely stand by.

o-o-o

ok so that was my lil story of the day. it's like 7AM in tarrytown and i've been writing on my laptop while overlooking this cute field and just enjoying the freedom of being outside with nature, blessed with amazing food, and invested in by others!

will be back with more updates later/tomorrow. a lot more has gone down lately i've just been off my laptop (technical difficulties are REAL this screen is on its last leg and i am STRESSED).

peace and love to all who end up reading my words, and to those who don't.

<3