505

mark of cain

cant help but to

revert back

a simpler time

my childrens bible

while well illustrated

was not of people who looked like me

more unrealistic ideals,

standards i could never achieve

the only books

i Saw myself

were adoption children's books

even then i didnt recognize

kind mothers,

and gentle fathers.

the biggest mistake of his life.

his biggest regret.

im so screwed up that i screwed you up, that's why you're gay.

burden. Burden.

I wish i never adopted you.

AT LEAST YOURE NOT TRANS

now i was

cast out of eden

by peter pan

the mark of cain

scarlet letter

branded.

blacklisted.

banished.

fear where comfort took root.

regret where pride could have resided.

hubris?

humbled.

for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

did my actions cause you pain?

squirming in my mire

as i tote my TRANSgressions.

were you scared?

did you feel threatened?

unsafe?

did i do something wrong?

was this another test?

i was simply sorting through the broken glass,

of the memory mirror i shattered

i was trying to let you go,

and now you'll follow me,

caught in the back of my throat,

tripping up my already erratically beating heart

with a you-shaped hole.

a newly acquired shadow,

joining the crowd i am Still Learning

how to be friends with.

pattern?

every time i try to relinquish,

let go.

you always have to have the last word, huh?

set up.

trap.

karma?

do i deserve this discomfort?

i didnt brush up against your tender chest,

and always respected your personal space.

i communicated what i knew how,

didnt have a container for the watertower full of unspoken truths i yearned to share but didnt know how or where to begin.

i was scared to bare my battered broken soul,

shards of lives ive lived,

but not quite left behind

not wanting to cut you on my still jagged edges

longing to be held nonetheless.

i wasnt trying to intimidate, i simply yearned for the newfound sense of Connection because i heard the bitterness and pain in the way you said "but im white so.. and yes you are and that wasnt a choice any more than my golden tint any more than i can save my younger self by whispering into their ear that i am more than enough and i am beautiful as i am and as i wish to be and i deserve soft safe love from myself and others and i wish i saw myself as humanely as i sought to make everyone i could around me.

Empath.

Sacrifice, my comfort for others - conditioned.

The Pendulum always makes its way back.

-Mr O'Connor i hope you're enjoying your margarita as you cackle down at us

I sobbed at your wake.

The closest I'd ever been to a dead body - open casket wake. They played Leaving on a Jet Plane. And on the ride home, they played 7 years old.

These grounding moments never stuck though. The moments of Clarity and brushes with Mortality. The whirlwind excitement of living vicariously and daydreaming and dissociating and assuming that everyone had a dysfunctional family dynamic but not everyone had dynamite and land mines we learned to avoid. Dont challenge. Dont talk back. Because I said so.

Big wounds are old wounds are festered gangrene as my mother ages and blissfully parts with the parts of her that carved my heart.

I promise I didnt mean to hurt you. I loved you like my parents loved me, and that wasnt really love at all, just what I thought I was worth.

You got caught in the crossfires of my inner war.

i was trying to minimize the harm, by sharing belatedly, the piece of my soul you left your mark. the authentic, candid me being the artist i was convinced not to be - and sharing.

I was worthy of the warm love my sister was so eager to provide.

She worshipped me and I didnt know why. I was a fraud. I didnt deserve the light she saw me in, not when I was so cruel and cold.

My mothers china-doll. Her loveless lackey.

My father said I was my mothers daughter, so that meant I had to be loyal, right?

I love myself a lot more now,

the boyish grin looking back at me.

im learning to let my Real voice shine,

the excitement, emotive me - that's been locked away as long as i remember

no one wants to hear that noise. stop singing. be quiet. can you shut up. SHUT UP.

the fear i thought i buried,

rises like the dead,

adrenaline

i shake as i look into your angry blue eyes

what're you gonna do, tough guy?

i've heard this tone before.

you pushed my buttons because you wanted to see my fireworks.

i was a windup monkey,

wasnt i?

piercing blue

i refused to crack.

daring him to strike me like he'd done before.

a hand larger than my face,

the touch that my body never forgot,

didnt know how to forgive.

white betrayal, my disillusionment.

my mental health, my responsibility

i am Trying.

my health insurance.

finding a new trusted adult,

as i preach to my students,

is harder than it should be.

when im dead

there was no plan

we didnt talk about it when it was around the corner,

that's when we sat around a table and lied with our smiles.

stifling sobs in rooms over,

behind closed doors.

avoidance

till the very end.

my prose,

private

personal

pretentious (to think)

people peruse

i just wanted to say i miss you.

I Miss You more than i remember ever loving you.

and im sorry.