I AM HERE (TW: death)

Yesterday I found out about the murder of yet another trans sibling, along with the serial killings of 8 Asian women in Georgia at the hands of a yt supremacist.

Kim Wirtz was a beautiful trans woman in Baltimore, found unresponsive in a cell meant for men. This kind of disrespect, disregard, and dehumanization of her identity and her existence is why trans individuals have been and are continuing to face an EPIDEMIC.

Please take this time to sign Kim's petition before continuing.

https://www.change.org/p/baltimore-city-central-booking-unit-justice-for-kim?utm_content=cl_sharecopy_27639839_en-US%3A4&recruiter=627448862&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&utm_campaign=share_petition&fbclid=IwAR2cwHqQyINURilyxmTA65fgjS3zwOs4BxCMkMJYQ5wnPkwQ6C0jhJvx7VY

and read this article from BBC about the attack in Georgia.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-56424616

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Recently I have been processing and trying to navigate where I fall and why I still have reservations and it is because of how deeply I've repressed some things, and how much I've internalized others. I have not been able to write for a while, because I wasn't sure what to say or where to start, but here goes.

Despite having been told my whole life that I am "too much", I have never felt like I was enough.

As a trans-racially (Rachel Dolezal really fucked that one up for us) adopted, trans-masculine, non-binary, queer, Jewish, abolitionist; the worlds I have walked are deeply varied and contributed greatly to the ways in which I navigate the world.

In my formative years, I was never Chinese enough for the "real" Asians, and a minority in the predominantly (97%) white Jewish community (not to mention like 98% heteronormative).

I was never feminine enough for the girls, but not masculine enough for the guys. I didn't care very much for clothes, or what I looked like because I didn't have to see me so I didn't think it mattered what I wore. (Want proof? Check out my Facebook haha)

It took me till probably college to realize that I lived most of my life disconnected from the fact I had a physical body that people perceived and had thoughts and opinions about.

I think you can see the shift, or perhaps that's just wishful thinking or maybe that's just what it means to continue to grow into this existence, this body, this reality.

I remember getting my first tattoo, a whopping week after moving into the residence hall in Brooklyn for college. I hadn't yet made any friends yet, and I'd wanted to get a tattoo for as long as I could remember so I figured why not. It was at this place on Flatbush (that is now a bar as well), and I remember the giddy excitement. Even though I was alone in a room of strangers (there were 2 artists? Maybe 3. it's been a while and details like that are essentially inconsequential), it felt warm and welcoming. I can remember the first feeling of the needle touching my skin. It was a quicker process than I'd expected, but it gave me a feeling of autonomy over myself unlike any other before.

I have struggled to claim my trans-ness because I didn't feel as though I was "trans enough". I have expressed fairly openly that I plan to have top surgery, but I do not want to medically transition. I also have a myriad of feelings that surround my hesitance, most of which orbit "What informed my understanding of gender and impacted my dissociation with 'womanhood'?" (To claim my transness felt like I was betraying women as a whole).

Claiming my trans-ness used to give me the same sense of imposter syndrome that claiming my Chinese heritage does. It also left me with a sense of guilt to the women who have gifted me with so much, and shown me that women can do everything men can do (sometimes better!). I can love women without identifying as one, and simply because my informed experiences led me to realize that I do not feel beautiful by traditionally feminine standards, I am not in fact contributing to misogynistic ideals.

I can no longer stand idle, on the fence of whether or not the world will consider me "trans enough" because as I ponder, members of my trans family being slaughtered weekly. I can no longer wonder if my yt-adjacency nullifies the world receiving me as a Chinese individual, as anti-Asian violence is only rising. And I can no longer question if my words are worthy of being shared, my thoughts worthy of being written, and my feelings worth being made as public as possible (at least as far as my personal platforms).

I am here, I am a trans-masculine non-binary Jewish abolitionist, of Chinese descent.

My identity and my experiences are mine and mine alone, and no one can take that away from me.

I will fight till my dying breath, alongside each and every one of my Family and Community members till we live in the world we deserve to.

Thank you for tuning in. Stay Safe, Stay Dangerous, Stay Loving.