blogs are just electronic, public diaries

my blog is*

i have this inflated idea that my thoughts deserve to be elevated, to be shared publicly, because my feelings/wants/needs weren't met as a child, you know how the cliched story goes.

NOBODY IS SPECIAL, EVERYBODY IS NEEDED.

i have some intrusive opinions that no one asked for but i need to put somewhere other than my mind, so here goes (and also this is kind of why i think i started writing, because everything gets stockpiled and then i run out of room because i get stuck with the same thoughts if i don't process through them and turn them into action or lessons).

the first and foremost is; WHEN will i LEARN. i have a lot of responsibilities that i have notoriously neglected. self destruction is self abandonment is placing your personal needs and wants below those of others on your list of priorities. i have done this for years, due to my nurture, and giving nature, and now i am learning that if actions or lack of actions or comments set off my warning bells, or the warning bells of my trusted confidantes - i will tread lightly and carefully until i know the that future footing is secure. my time is precious and i am being mindful of how i spend it, for present, past, and future me.

i enjoy being alone. when i was younger i thought that all i wanted was a bigger family, but i think what i was really dreaming of was having a support system of people who really understood, supported, and would nurture me - which isn't something i felt like i had till later on in life. trust was never established in my house; not between one another, not within myself, and definitely not in adults i was supposed to. because my dad said a lot of hurtful, harmful things growing up, and then followed up with i'm sorry, words became empty; became something people said because they felt like they had to, but not because they were real or meant anything. because my mother's intentions were never actually centering my wellness, considering my communicated needs or wants; trust was never learned.

now that i am my current me, now that i have traversed many worlds, wandered and met beautiful, radiant, blossoming, overflowing souls that have poured into my neglected garden, have cleared away the weeds and the brush, now that i have let people in who know how to garden, i am learning how to protect my peace while defending the peace of others. helping others by helping myself by allowing myself to be helped.

for years i didn't particularly want to be alive. i didn't actively want to be dead. without representation, we can't imagine, can't dream, can't envision a future for ourselves. how can i picture more for me, if i don't see people who look like me, don't know that there is possibility for me to become more than i am?

my friend baby j introduced this song that's trending, called numb little bug, which summarizes the desolate limbo feeling pretty well. the passive, pervasive kind of depression which wipes you of your wonder, your desire to do more, your passion for progress.

last intrusive opinion for now: when i was a kid i wanted to be a vet till i decided that it wasn't fair to keep living beings alive if they couldn't choose to want their lifespans extended beyond what they were ordained by natural causes. we don't get to play god because we discovered technology that defied nature. yes i think it's beautiful and important, and also in switzerland they have a program called exit which allows you to opt out, legally. you dont' have to keep playing the game if you don't want to, and i think that's the most consensual concept/approach. there's so much fear around death, even though it's one of the most natural, liberating experiences that we will face. we are all headed there. everything is temporary, which is what makes it all so terrifyingly beautiful. i think about how it's different when you are given the option to fight for your life, you are given the choice to undergo chemo, to take the chemicals and start the roulette (will my body work together with these unfamiliar substances and fight off the parts of me that have turned on me? that were never meant to work for me?) or to accept that your days are numbered - something that they already are, but the number is a little more known (though there are cases, people live long past their projected diagnosis, even without treatment)

i find it easy to be impulsive, and feed into my more impulsive desires because with how uncertain our time allotted is; comes the desire to ensure that everything that is of importance is communicated as clearly and soon as possible // including reminders. patience is a virtue, but patience requires the reassurance, or confidence that there is time that can be leisurely taken. that there is a guaranteed future for whatever is being considered.

everything. everyone, is meant to be temporary. love is an action, love is energy, love is time - which is why it is eternal and cannot be classified as a singular kind of finite thing.

if you love something, let it go - if it is meant to be it will return to you.

in the form of songs you used to listen to, pictures, mannerisms, the lessons learned, the memories of the time shared.

everything happens as it is meant to, and something shouldn't be drawn out. pain and suffering should not be drawn out if you do not get to make that choice.

but that's my two cents that no one asked for.

it's time for bed now though, tomorrow's self-care sunday and i am EXCITED to prepare myself for the week ahead.

baruch hashem.