bidding farewell to that which has moved on

today i lost my siblings skateboard.

i’d gotten a lot of compliments on it too,

it was a really solid board - great decal, sturdy.

i took really good care of it too,

never used it when it was wet outside,

made sure to correct how i held it (by the board not the trucks).

we were waiting for my little sister to get out of work,

and when we saw her leave we frantically gathered our things,

but we had more than we started, and the board was tucked next to the bench.

i didn’t realize until after dinner,

i felt lighter,

but not in the good way.

they gave me that Look,

the one where they’re disappointed,

but they already know i’m going to be harder on myself than they could be.

i ran back to where we’d been,

a last ditch effort,

i prayed on my way there.

bargaining.

today i was reminded of the five (marketable) stages of grief.

acceptance, depression, bargaining, anger and acknowledgement.

in the opposite order for most?

though i do think it’s been proven that it’s cyclical, as is healing,

and that we cycle through them in whatever ways we are learned how,

if we were so lucky.

i am tired of whining about the shitty things i’ve been through.

there is a statute of limitations,

or rather,

there is a time and a place to mourn.

in Jewish tradition,

the mourning period ends a year after the passing of our loved one.

so that there is a container of grief,

a beginning and end to when we put our lives on hold,

centering that which has ended,

and the end to the beginning of our next chapter,

so that we can continue,

carrying our dearly departed with us in different forms.

my father has been gone for almost 3 years now.

on march 3rd it will mark a full three solar rotations with him gone.

this sunday,

on trans day of remembrance,

5 siblings joined him.

daniel davis aston.

kelly loving.

derrick rump.

raymond green.

ashley paugh.

anger

trans day of vengeance.

trans day of fury.

trans day of tired of being targeted.takenforgranted.tossedaround.

trans day of how many more of us will it take?

trans day of it took years to find the courage and safety and support to proudly declare “i am trans” and some days it takes everything in me to not curl back up into the little me shaped cavern inside because the alternative feels like i am just screaming into the void feels like i am just yelling at a brick wall feels like the perpetual uphill battle that we were set up to never win but will all die trying, if we are so lucky if we are not murdered first if we are not ripped from this life.

trans day of holding tight to that which keeps us grounded.safe.secure.

trans day of lighting the way for those who are still stumbling through the dark.

trans day of gathering together despite the fear.

trans day of 1/365

trans day of why do we only exist when it is convenient when it is time for optics when we are acceptable by euro-centric beauty standards?

trans day of pushing back and reveling in being.

trans day of how many more times will my heart be shattered?

i have countless cuts from carefully putting the pieces back;

the love of our community holding the fragile fragments together,

tentatively, tenderly, tangibly.

depression

there are lots of misconceptions about depression.

what it looks like,

what it feels like,

what it is.

i didn’t realize when i was younger and high functioning and living day by day,

that i was depressed.

that not being able to imagine myself beyond the next school year,

was a sign of depression.

i didn’t know,

not thinking that there was a future to plan for,

was a symptom.

if i had known,

that procrastinating repercussions,

that staying in go-mode because i didn’t know how to slow down,

because all i knew was 100 or 0,

that shutting down completely behind closed doors,

that not recognizing myself in the mirror so avoiding all of them,

that the inability to trust the kind words used to describe me,

that the perpetual performance for others,

were all subtle red flags.

acceptance

of that which i thought was out of my hands.

of what i thought was beyond me,

being dealt cards doesn’t mean the game is already lost.

it’s not what you are given, it is what you do with what you have at your disposal.

i think that losing the skateboard i’d been using,

is a universal reminder,

a reminder from the universe,

that sometimes we need to slow down.

i have spent the better part of two decades,

racing through,

trying to fast forward.

the only extended/given family life events i’d ever been to were funerals,

aside from my and my sister’s bat mitzvahs.

what i knew we had to look forward to in this lifetime was death.

the only certainty, the only reason to gather, the only time to connect.

time to slow down.

let the milestones come when they are meant to.

acknowledgement

we are all we will ever have.

right now this is what we have.

what anchors us to this moment?

this friday i learned about the sankofa, which is an african symbol of the akan tribe and represents that the past serves as a guide for the path to the future.

i continually get caught up get stuck in the past, sucked into the sea of regret of shame of embarrassment of unprocessed emotions that come with experiences. i locked my feelings in boxes in the moment but now the moments passed and whenever i look back i jostle the box and the latent feelings spill out along with the confusion and chaos.

organized compartmentalization is a skill, an asset.

survival compartmentalization causes complications in the long-term (that i didn’t prepare for)

acknowledging my areas of growth, and what needs to be done to improve for my future selves.

anger that it has taken so long to get to this point, angry at all the obstacles both within and beyond my control. angry (because i am disappointed) with past iterations who could have been more intuitive had they had the assets accessible now.

bargaining with my impulses to consider the risks and gains.

depressing to know that in order to progress, it means i do have to limit some aspects, but change is necessary and change is the only real constant.

accepting the blessings which are already here, and those to come.