beyond my younger self's wildest dreams

i haven't written lately because i've been busy living my life,

i haven't written lately because at the end of the day i am so exhausted i don't have anything leftover to process, to synthesize, to recount all the things i did all the places i went all the conversations i had everything that i absorbed from the world around me.

i haven't written lately…

and that's okay. there's no need for excuses or explanations or context.

breaks are healthy and it's okay to take the time i need to get my feet under me (as my coach likes to remind me).

there are certain one-liners that have just stuck with me, like "better late than never" or "how you do anything is how you do everything" or "my skinfolk aint my kinfolk".

there are also certain experiences that have stuck to me that i've been dragging around like stale gum on the bottom of my shoe. the things i wish i could change, the things i could take back, the things i wish i had done differently. the hollow regret that seeps in at the end of the day, the shame and guilt that linger at the edges, where resentment incubates. i don't feed into those feelings anymore, but i want to clear them out, i want to cleanse them and make them memories.

a good friend of mine once asked me what is healing, if it is an ongoing process, is that not just living?

my sister told me that healing is figuring out ways to stop the things that used to hurt us from hurting us - whether that be removing ourselves from spaces, creating space between us and that which is harming us, or sometimes as simply (though anything but simply) checking our perspective so that we ensure we are not allowing biases or internal projections alter reality.

this last month of march there have been monumental changes in my life.

-i have changed job placements (i used to be working at the jewish community center of harlem and now i am working at repair the world in brooklyn).

-i have moved into my first home (it's an apartment, but i think it's the first place i can truly call a home because i have been part of the process, have been building it myself with the help of my family).

-i have an art show coming up, though i haven't been putting nearly enough time or love into what i will be showcasing (that is going to be my next focal piece once i am done with my overdue writing assignment).

things that would make my younger self proud:

-sticking to a regular training schedule for fitness and health reasons

-doing my daily pushups at least once a day

-keeping up with my T injections

-pushing myself out of my comfort zone to do things i've always wanted to but always let fear convince me not to

-working on my relationship with my sister!

-confronting myself and the ways in which i stand in my own way

on that note i'm gonna try to keep this same energy for my writing assignment and will fly by soon.

all the best - be easy and be well