being a wallflower

as i was waiting for this to load i was thinking of starting this post with "dear friend" like they did in perks of being a wallflower which is undoubtedly one of my favorite books back in high school. even though it didn't feel like i lived relatable a relatable (to the suburban ones in most films and shows) life (hah initially i wrote lives because thinking back on my childhood i consider how i've essentially had to learn how to be different people in different spaces which is code-switching but also really confusing identity wise?) anyway this was a lot of tangent because i initially came here because i wanted to word vomit.

it's weird for me to *sips hot water and contemplates* narrate my inner thoughts to the void because i don't know who reads this because most of them don't engage (though i know one person who subscribed and that made my heart warm and honestly shame is such a driving force because i am the hardest on myself always and it's hard to forgive yourself when you're still trying to figure out who yourSelf is. it feels like i am drowning so much of the time i have so much love for people i've known for just over a year and i wish i could be everything for everybody but i can't and it's hard to realize that there's only so much time in one day and i am the kind of person who wants to mindfully nurture the things i do but when you exist in so many worlds how do you find time to find yourself or even take care of your physical vessel? my indicators are my breakouts [hsv or acne, who knows] and ever darkening eye bags. also the amount of time i can sleep.

i recently did a Not Great thing and the ripple effects were tremendous. it was kind of like i pushed an eject button on my life as it was and flung myself into whatever i'm doing right now? i know that my defense mechanisms tend to be flight and then process post-flight but i also am painfully aware of the patterns that i can see and the scar tissue is throbbing. all of the pain and the unaddressed trauma that i never really put behind me bubbles up and it's hard to find ways to channel that because i don't give myself the time i require to stew in the depths and magnitude of everything that goes on. i think i'm going to start now.

"i am going to start my book now. i have a cigarette to my left, but i don't want to smoke it because i love being alive and existing even though sometimes it really fucking sucks. i had a craving to because i had a thought about past regrets and my first instinct was to self destruct a little bit more. today i realized that i was doing the thing where i say 'yes' when i should say 'no' and at the same time i am grateful that i said yes because i know that the time was well spent and in good company.

recently i made some questionable investments (i'd been trying to save up, but for what i am not sure, perhaps to start my 'fuck you' fund but also whenever i have money pile up i feel guilty for not utilizing it because it can do so many people so much good in real-time but it's also not my responsibility to fix the fucked up world because i'm a player too and i think that's why i do need to keep up with my self analysis of where i am and what i'm doing and what my trajectory is.) it's hard to remember you're a person when there's so many other things you can be doing and thinking about?

today when i got home after delivering meals to low-income folks with COVID with my friend brenna and then seeing my Sister Alani, i looked in the mirror in my living room and i remembered that for years i didn't look at mirrors for longer than a few minutes. that for a decade i tried to bend myself into whatever shape i thought would be most accepted in a space, or at least the least visible. i remember, verbatim, a thought that i'd had, which was that i didn't have to see what i looked like, other people did - (which was also how i justified not brushing my hair for years). i didn't realize that was probably one of the first signs that i didn't feel at home in the body i was in. maybe it was the fact my dad was one of those "you shouldn't go around without pants/without a shirt/in your bra when there's a man in the house" kind of fathers. the kind that made me feel like it was a bad thing to have the body i was in. that maybe if i wasn't blossoming breasts or whatever that he would be proud of me. i never really believed him when he said he was proud of me, it felt like a lie because of all the other things he'd also say, like how adopting me was the biggest mistake he'd ever made, and that he regretted it. that's the one that stuck the most and it still sticks and i don't know when it won't still make my heart clench, even just a little. it made me cry the first time, i was so upset that i'd let the single tear escape from my eye. i had a similar moment with my toxic ex, when they told me that it was 'repulsive' when i touched them in public. a single tear escaped, despite my desire to keep it all inside. they caught it too, and called me out for it, asking me why i was crying in a condescending, mocking tone. they recently messaged me. they made a new instagram account and DM'd me and i just saw it today and it made me happy to see their growth, and also angry because they only mentioned a bit of the shitty things they put me through. i wonder who reads my blog because i know my page is public and that means that anyone can read what i write and its not that i have anything to hide is the thing, not anymore. i don't want to be ashamed for my thoughts or feelings and for me in order to put that aside i need to bare it all.

we censor ourselves for the things we are shamed into hiding, we learn to sugar coat our words because we learn so early that sometimes the truth hurts and the ego is fragile and can bite us back rather than assess and adjust.

i have been working out since i got these weights and fell in love with this woman who's inspired me to do better for myself now because life is short and things are so fleeting and i forget that sometimes but i also can't ever forget it because it's always in the back of my mind. i want to unstitch the seams of time for her but all i can do right now is what i am able.

i recently hurt a lot of people at once and i am still trying to unlearn my reflexive assumption that there is no way to heal those wounds inflicted. i think my stumbling block is that i have always felt that once you lost your ability to trust in someone, it is hard to build back that muscle.

it just hit 3AM so i am going to go to sleep. but this was a nice little check in."

ok that's all for now folks. wishing u all the best thanks for reading goodnight