a heart overflowing

what does one do when the tender feelings of gratitude are all one can feel?

when the small realizations occur when the details finally piece together the whole picture.

i wish it didnt take this long to see what i had all along, as painfully clichéd as it sounds even to my own ears and eyes, but really, what hasn't been done before?

scarcity mentality is a new term that i learned within the last two years,

the idea that there is only so much, that there is only room for a certain amount, that everything exists within limitations.

abolition is understanding that as the universe has no edge and is always expanding,

as are we if fortunate enough to exercise those muscles and that ability.

it is breaking down the idea that simply because it is the way things have always been means that it is the way things must stay.

abolition is change is growth is healing is the adaptability is acceptance is love.

0-0-0

this snow weekend i spent with my little siblings. yi run just turned 20, 10 days ago and i promised myself and them that i'd do better and be better because they deserve a better older sibling. existing got hard for me pretty early on, and instead of let them in and talk through i shut myself in and shut my thought process off.

i think somewhere along the way i got it mixed up that i had an internal monologue that existed separately from my interactions with others. i thought of it more as a commentator on a third party existence perhaps. i was never one to talk to myself or refer to myself. it wasnt till recently that yi run and i started talking more about our shared past - my gradual and abrupt changes and what stage in the life cycle prompted certain behavioral shifts.

my stumbling block, seems to be not getting stuck battling the same boss over and over on loop. the reason i kept failing was that i didnt pay attention to the enemy (for anyone curious, it was hallow knight) and assess the best tactic to defeat them. similar to the pacer test, games and life get progressively harder the further along you get. some people are able to get through seemingly easier because they are able to observe and adjust their method to best navigate their current situation. critically analyzing where they are, what their own abilities are, and the challenge they are facing in the moment.

in order to do that, you must be able to think and process whatever information you have clearly and carefully which requires a calm, inquisitive mind.

this is all me mapping out what i aim to do moving forward because chaos is all ive known, at least internally, for too long.

of course thats not to say that learning how to map my thoughts and feelings will organize or make it any clearer but it will definitely help me communicate what i want more and understand myself more.

0-0-0

last week i saw a dear friend who i love more than words would ever do justice. she has helped me get to know myself, encouraged me to challenge myself, and modeled how to forgive myself which are things i didn't realize i needed to learn.

it was the first time grabbing dinner together since i did something i am not proud of.

on my current journey back to my room in the heights, i had the desire to listen to the soundtrack of frozen because i had forgotten even popular media had given me potential role models of what a sisterhood could look like. it's hard to see yourself in two little white princesses though, so in case you also forget sometimes; representation fucking matters. this was the context of me quoting a line in demi's rendition of "let it go" during what i believe is the reprise, "Standing frozen in the life I've chosen

You won't find me, the past is so behind me Buried in the snow" (haha i kept the snow part because it felt fitting for our current weather conditions).

that entire tangent is all to say that my worst pattern is ruminating on a past i cannot change, fixating on history instead of analyzing and learning what worked and didnt work and how i can do better and learn from my mistakes rather than beat myself up over them.

at a certain point i can no longer hold anyone else accountable for my actions - which is what i think "adult"hood is. it isn't when you start paying bills, though that often is when folks are forced to take care and consider themselves first because they have no choice. i am realizing that adulthood is the moment you realize your personal autonomy and power.

0-0-0

historically, i have always looked for love in other places, in other spaces, in other people, because it never felt like something i could simply procure.

i didn't know what "love" could be, for a long time.

i said i love you to my parents, but they weren't the healthiest role models of what relationships should be.

my dad said i love you by taking care of me in the ways he knew how. he shared my love of chocolate cheesecake. he drove me to every youth group meeting, every convention, no matter how far - or how much he expressed not wanting or enjoying driving. my dad said i love you when he took us out to museums and the zoo and exhibitions he would scour the internet for. my dad said i love you on paper much easier than in person, but it should have meant the same.

my little sibling has a better memory, probably because theyve smoked less (haha) and paid so much more attention to this life. they'll bring up memories long forgotten, pushed away because remembering the good times hurts more than remembering the bad ones.

there was a scene on this week's episode of euphoria that really struck a chord with me. SPOILER ALERT, SEASON 2 EPISODE 4. rue's sky high and she's dancing with her dad and i cried because i do forget sometimes that he's gone. the kind of gone that doesn't come back.

im crying on the A train to my room in the heights. like i was crying on the E train to the house the last night he spent in the house he worked his whole life for. i still remember the phone call. it was always rachel calling me to update me on dad. it was also rachel who called me to tell me he was Gone.

one of the more jagged scars on my heart is not being strong enough to be there for my family when he fell ill. i wish i had been braver back then. i wish i had followed my instincts. i wish i had learned from all the tv shows id watched. i wish id felt comfortable telling them how scared i was. how afraid of the worst i was. how sorry and terrible i felt about not knowing what we should do. about not being there for my little sibling. for leaving them to face this without me.

i am still embarassed for how i handled it all.

to be kind to myself, i was only 21, old enough to drink but not old enough to know how to save my cancer-ridden father. i was 21, old enough to buy cigarettes but not wise enough to be there for my little sibling. i was 21, old enough to drive but not strong enough to support my mother. i didnt even have the courage to break up with my not right for me this relationship isn't healthy for me then partner.

0-0-0

unfinished thoughts always.

i got back to my room and hung out with my roommate for a while.

topic of dads came up and i realized how it's felt like my dad's been in limbo since we still don't have his ashes? because he asked where my dad was and i was like lol idk cuz i truly don't. i wonder if his body's rotting somewhere or if they threw him away. i don't think that's legal but i don't know. i'm gonna ask my mom tomorrow.

i'll come back to edit this. but if you read these words, please engage with me somehow lol. i want to know who consents into my life my world my innermost thoughts and feelings (because if i write here i'm not writing in my journal this is one of my scant outlets because i fall into bad habits of neglecting myself as a priority.

on that note it's time to hit the hay. thanks for tuning in, wishing u the best even if u choose to remain anonymous. all the best.

joules