7/27 - some musings and brief reflections

instead of worrying about how my words will be received, i have to remind myself that this digital scape is for me. and moreso than that, lately i have been trying to organize my time and my energy and my blog often falls to the side when it comes to keeping up with everything that i want to do, and need to get done.

my fellowship is coming to a close, next week, so my future is at another crossroads. i need to find steady employment, and am toying with a number of ideas/options. the most important is actually getting my resume out there, and i think that's the part i've been avoiding. i'm gonna have about 10 days that i can set aside for job applications and general expression while i dogsit.

the other day i had a subway staredown with a stranger, who had gotten on the car, and imposed on the personal space of a smaller femme individual, who moved around them quickly to stand closer to me. i am well aware and more desensitized to folks encroaching on my personal space, and also unabashedly staring at me while in public spaces. we locked eyes for a few stations, before i think i was able to wordlessly convey that my annoyance was rooted in how he'd unknowingly (or perhaps knowingly) made the person uncomfortable by his size, stature, and disregard for space. when i got off, i saw that he'd moved so his back was to them, and i'd like to think that i helped to shift his perspective. wishful thinking perhaps, but i have to believe that my discomfort, time and effort helped make at least one person more aware of themselves.

i want to write more but i have to go to sleep for the gym tomorrow. going to the gym gives me an outlet and provides an active way to start my day and ground me in my body. the physical difference that it has made, has done wonders for my self esteem and sense of self worth. i'd always conflated the idea of working out with vanity because i projected this jealousy and insecurity in myself onto those who actually took it upon themselves to change their realities to better align with their dreams and aspirations. i never had a 'dream body' or rather to call a spade a spade, i never thought my dream body was attainable because of my transphobic and hateful environment that i was raised in. my father did not support the strides in technology, or medicine, and was not particularly 'woke' when it came to subject areas he was unfamiliar, which was many.

ugh, really though, tbc because i want to keep going but i wont be able to wake up for the gym if i don't get enough sleep. peace love and learning to you.