2/24 and 2/25 // reflections and resolutions?

i am officially *online* (25 days here and finally having functioning wifi) which is *exciting* and also a little disorienting because my cognizance of time in particular is definitely a little unique in the 'my friend had to remind me that i very recently did have a surgery and that even though 4 months feels like a long time that it's not, in the grand scheme of things, that long at all' kind of way.

i am officially understanding the gravity, the levity, of being **responsible**, taking proper responsibility, and the con of "adulthood"

i'm also unpacking why i'd been in this seemingly perpetual pit of panic, since meeting a particular person and seeing what life could look like if i took it more seriously (the standards have never felt so high - they truly brought up the curve)

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this past week i was part of a camp experience that little me would never even have dreamed of. it was a nice reset or blast from the past that i needed to remind me what and where my passions lie when it comes to potential career choices. - in helping bridge the gap of understanding and apathy that exist within the Jewish world, particularly in the areas of race and gender - and dismantling the instinct to Other others -- and also the wow kindergarten to second grade was definitely a time to be alive, i often forget how mine was spent.

firsthand, i saw a community grow fond of me (working at a bakery in chabad crown heights), and know that there is hope for my people.

i am trying to find my way back to my people (i am unsure if i am happy with the current position/team i have, but am uncertain of the factors that led me here or where i can go) - in the; i'd like to find my corner within the jewish professional world to set up shop (and am still trying to move forward and through the self-resentment i harbor for being the architect of my own dissatisfaction - while being compassionate to the factors that informed the choices that i made, and not lashing out - while honoring my valid experience and consequences)

our bodies are so sensitive and i hold the feelings, i can feel them now, they start to bottleneck, like getting stuck in a dam.

damn.

4 1 2

i want to help you cradle your grief.

"i know - baby, i know."

echoing the reassurance you deserve to hear too.

this is the hardest part.

not knowing when, but knowing for certain - that your days together are limited,

more than usual.

that this goodbye,

only one of you will have to carry,

is creeping closer.

it's okay. you'll be okay, i promise.

it won't feel that way for a long time,

it'll hurt every time you expect to see her tail,

hear her paws touch down,

feel her knead, need you.

booties.

the beat of your hearts in tandem as you keep each other company.

it's going to be okay.

cherish each day you have together,

keep her as comfortable as you can,

it's going to be okay.

the ache will dull,

it will subside in time,

don't dwell,

remember?

maybe there will be a miracle.

like in the time of the maccabees.

there was enough oil for barely one night,

but instead it lasted for eight whole days.

i don't want to try and fill you with false hope,

simply remind you - that where there is will,

and you have so so so much will,

there is a way. a way through, a way forward.

\\\

am i overstepping? i should stay in my lane.

you dismissed me, remember?

for good reason, i know - i have been tidal waves, i have been torrential rain, floods.

discovering how to feel again,

facing what i've tried to stifle, hide away,

whiplashed by past,

overwhelmed by present,

fighting to think of the future.

i'm sorry you were subject to my blast radius as i continue to implode and reconfigure.

the best apology is changed behavior,

i am worried i haven't changed enough to face you.

when i was growing up, there was a stern dichotomy,

there was approved and disgusted, there was criticism and chaos.

i was trying to care for you as i was cared for - and that's not what anyone deserves,

it was hollow. it was empty. devoid.

impact over intent, i teach my students -

because when i was their age i was taught how to love lemons,

to seek out the sour.

i am 24 now, almost 25.

age is just a number.

i want to be able to share chronologically, cohesively, to tell others how and why the where i've been and who i've met created the iteration of me that exists before them.

i'm not sure yet, but i'm in the works,

building the plane as i continue to fly forward.

land the plane i launched.

i feel this in my upper chest and lower abdomen.

chakras or internal organs or both working together?

i believe in science, but i believe even more in the earth. i believe in the herbs and scents and smells and exercises that have been passed down for eons before we were even almost thoughts.

liberty science center.

hall of science.

museum of natural history.

for another time, but definitely to be revisited.

i have a shift tonight, got to get some rest in beforehand.

naptime.

to what this week may bring.

we'll see?

eventually.